I caught up with a friend last night and he was gobsmacked to discover that I am still single.
“How is it that such a statuesque, gorgeous, clever and sophisticated chick like you still available?” he gasped in astonishment. (Please note that I can't remember his exact words, but I'm sure this is close...)
I smiled serenely and explained, “It's The Denise Repellent™.” (Hereafter referred to as TDR™.)
He looked puzzled as he had obviously not heard of the phenomenon that has swept the world and, as I am not attracted to him, has not experienced first-hand the full power of this unstoppable force.
I continued to elucidate, “TDR™ lies dormant within me, hovering, silently waiting for that moment when my heart gives its first leap of excitement. With the patience of Job, It waits for the adrenaline rush, the butterflies in the stomach, and the racing heart of the first flush of love. Like a leech, TDR™ feeds on the goodness and positivity of love and It swells and pulses and grows more powerful as I bask in the euphoria of love’s all-encompassing glow. Then, with a fury to rival Katrina’s, It unleashes itself upon the hapless man who has caught my eye.
"The innocent object of my affection is unaware of the unnatural forces at work. The insidious nature of TDR™ means that everything operates at an unconscious level. He doesn’t question what follows, he just knows that he is not to be in the same room as me, and certainly not alone.
“In the past, depending on the depth of my feelings, men have been known to leave the state, heck, some even left the damn country, and some left for the comfort and solace of another woman’s arms.”
I decided that this was all a bit verbose, so I simplified it for my friend. “Basically, the minute I like a guy, he’s not interested and/or disappears off the face of the earth. You know, I repel them.
"And that,” I finished triumphantly, “is why I am still single!
“Sure, it’s heartbreaking but, like a bad case of the clap, you just have to learn to live with it, eh?” I knew neither of us were fooled by my forced joviality.
“Er, yes, I suppose,” was all my friend could muster in response as he slowly backed away and left the room.
My life sux.