Thinking about it, I have always felt alone.
I wear my aloneness like my favourite coat – you know, that old musty thing? The one with the undiscriminating comfort and warmth of a friend's hug?
I used to pretend it wasn’t so cosy ...‘No, I’m really not that independent,’ I’d laugh. ‘I just like to do my own thing ... sometimes ... um, whenever I need to take off ... do whatever ...’
But aloneness is now a badge of honour I wear proudly on the chest on my coat.
Despite, or maybe because of, growing up with five sisters and the constant stream of friends and sisters’ friends through our house (no one ever used the front door --> just go through the garage to the pool), it is generally in the presence of others that I feel most alone. Sometimes bitterly and overwhelmingly so.
Yet, when I’m on my own, I am comfortable. Complete. Strong. And never lonely.
When I look back and evaluate where I am at now, I am sometimes gobsmacked at the choices I’ve made: the fuck-ups, the dumb decisions, and the complete stupidity and thoughtlessness of some of my actions.
But more often than not, all I know is that all I can be is me. Everybody else is taken.
October 07, 2008
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7 sputters back:
Great post and I enjoy reading about your inner feelings here. It sounds like you are comfortable ion your own skin. Good for you girl!!!
Hey Rich - great to hear from you!
Ya, it's taken a while, but it's good being in my skin.
One of the benefits of getting wiser, eh?
I can sympathise with that, GG.
Hey, are you really coming to Blighty next year? If so, you'd better make the most of being alone because once you hit these shores you're going to have to fight me off with a shitty stick.
Let's you and me demolish London, Gojira style.
Hey, Boss! Yup, Tumbleweed (friend in Scotland) doesn't know about it yet, but I'm planning a trip to the UK for about 3 weeks next July/August.
There will be no need for the, er, shitty stick; we'll have a grand adventure! What shall we do? I lived in London for about 4 months so pretty much saw most things I wanted to, although I'm sure there's heaps more great stuff now.
Hehe, perhaps I'll drag you to some trance raves, or something...
Trance raves! Hee hee hee.
I don't believe they have those any more, GG but there's always something odd going on.
Who needs other people you don't really know when you know yerself? Will you be flying in my direction? I've got bunk beds and you can be on top.
Dive - Oh dear. I am showing my age!
Trip update: It's now a toss up between Tibet, Pakistan or Russia. I envisage it will change a few times before the year is out. Hm, I'll probably end up in Bali.
Old Man - I'd bunk with you any day; old codgers are my thing. If I make it to Scotland we can have smokie pancakes for brekkie.
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