Gaijin Girl Strikes Again

Seriously kick-ass intensely sweet for the real coffee super zinging unstoppable Max! Taste-explosion!

2011-09-27T14:55:00.000+01:00

Although I left Japan over four years ago, I am still entertained by their novel approach to all things dunny-related. And I really miss those heated seats...

From Coloribus:
Georgia Max Coffee chose to redesign the toilets of a number of key ski resorts in Japan. The cubicles were fully wrapped on all sides, so that the person caught short would have a ski jumper’s view when they were sitting on the loo. The person could look down at their skis (simply printed on the floor of the cubicle) and see the steep ski jump slope ahead of them. The toilet paper holder carried the only brand messaging in the cubicle, reading: “Seriously kick-ass intensely sweet for the real coffee super zinging unstoppable Max! Taste-explosion!”

Walton Heritage Day

2011-09-11T11:12:00.001+01:00

2011-03-09T16:13:00.003Z

Movin' On Up

2007-05-29T12:41:00.000+01:00

Crikey.

I've been in Japan for just over two years and I'm already onto my third house move. I don't know how this compares with my moving seven times in five years when living in Melbourne, as I'm no math freak, but let's just say I should be very good at it by now.

Well, I'm not.

I'm the laziest bint you'll ever have the misfortune to meet. Rather than pack my belongings together, I throw things away as that's the easiest option. And life is meant to be easy; I truly believe that. My parents would die if they could see the useful and practical everyday things I get rid of, because they're the sort of folks who collect stuff. Me? If it means I have to carry the stuff on my back, then I'm not going to hold onto it for very long.

A good mate is getting a van on Saturday and will help me move my remaining bits'n'bobs into his shed. Hey, he's Australian, and no self-respecting larrikin would live anywhere, including Tokyo, without a shed. Then, as he and his family will be in Australia for summer (but winter in Oz), I will stay at their house for a few months. They have a fully equipped and functioning kitchen, complete with bench space(!!!) that I can use to heat up my convenience store food. Oh, and they're also within walking distance of SpyHQ, so so-long subway suckers!

I haven't had time to feel sad about leaving GGHQ. Most of my energy is currently going into trying to learn how to be a Spy. I'm supposed to be packing now, but have decided that writing this is more a ~~procrastination~~ cathartic endeavour, and will probably stay up all night Friday night throwing things into garbage bags for the rubbish collection. Feck, I hate change, and everything is happening all at once.

Next week may be rather uncomfortable. Even though we're moving my crud this weekend, I won't actually go to the House of Cards until the following weekend. I shall be here with my futon, a week's worth of work clothes, and hopefully a book. And nothing else. I won't even have the computer. I can't check blogs from work (yet) so I'll really miss catching up on all your news. I'll have access again in a week or so.

Wow, this is a shite post, but it has served its purpose and it's just about time for some zzzzs.

Sayonara, baby.

The Spy Who... Travelled on a Train

2007-05-24T13:30:00.000+01:00

Tokyo: Peak hour

I leave GGHQ in a mad scramble, always late, for the ten-minute walk to the station. Except now it's a fifteen-minute walk because I am wearing ridiculous heels, a suit, and am swinging a freakin’ handbag over my arm. The early morning stumble is interrupted by the traffic lights opposite Mejiro Station. Regardless of when I leave home, I have to wait at these lights for an interminable amount of time, along with about one thousand other people. The crowd is restless as we stare at the red man, willing him to turn green/blue. The little man is the equivalent of a starter gun for the mad dash across the road. The tension rises as we glance at each other with narrowed eyes, size each other up, and pick out the weak links in the line up. The course can be charted easily: dodge around the obasan — there's always at least one old lady blocking the way — push little kids out of the way, and leap over the shopping cart of another obasan. Sararimen are also fair game for any amount of pushing and shoving. Tripping is not uncommon.

The lights change, and we're off! Some whippersnappers jump the gun and head off at an almighty sprint, but they can be thwarted by the throngs coming out of the station. As ever, the spatial awareness lack, about which I have ~~complained bitterly~~ alluded to once or twice, can complicate things somewhat, but when the race is over, we are all standing together on the platform waiting for the same train.

And here beginneth the real fun.

The two-hundred metre long train roars into the station. I stare in astonishment at the faces pressed against the windows and the swarm of people crowded in the train. I bolt to the end of the platform, convinced that it will be less crowded at the back of the train. One thousand other people had this brainwave, apparently, as the last carriage is packed. A single salariman and I both push and shove our way onto the train. The doors close, muffling the jingle that is particular to Mejiro. (They all have their own tune!) With my nose pressed flat to the door’s window, I watch the blur of the built-up cityscape flash by as we race for two-minutes to the next station (the stations are two-minutes apart).

Takadanobaba: The sarariman and I hop off to allow people to disembark. Not a single body leaves the train. We get back on, followed by ten more people. Just so you know, the way to board a train in this instance is to step on backwards, thereby pushing people further into the train with the power of your arse. Just don’t let one rip.

Shin-Okubo: No connecting lines here, so things aren’t looking good. I’ve been pushed away from the safety of the door and am unable to reach a hand strap. My arms are pressed to my sides from the force of the people squashed around me, and at one point my feet are actually about one foot behind my centre of gravity. But we’re all like this – there’s nowhere to fall because there’s no space to fall. Each commuter is holding the other person up.

Shinjuku: Thank fuck for that! There are about ten connections here, so surely most folk will get off. About half disembark, and then another three-quarters shove their way in. By now, I am in the middle of the carriage, with warm bodies pressed on me from all sides. I haven’t had this much action for a while, which is freakin’ tragic on so many levels. It’s like a mosh-pit, but you can’t actually move. I still manage to carry out some stealth surveillance, though.

Yoyogi: As one of the few folk to have access to a handrail, I am single-handedly holding up the weight of everyone at one end of the carriage as the train screeches to a halt and everyone falls forward. But I can do this because I’m a superhero.

Harajuku: With a weak and shaking arm, we pull into this mecca for the young-uns. ‘Sweet fucking Jesus and holy bloody Mary,’ I realise I am muttering, wishing I had scoffed a couple of Bloody Marys before the trip, ‘For the love of god, make some people get off this fucking train!’ Not a soul moves. But more get on.

Shibuya: This is where the sweet relief starts. About three-quarters of the people get off at this station, and only about half get back on. These are good odds. It’s also the station where things get nasty. Not in a western, in-your-face kinda way — oh, I wish — but in a rude pushing and shoving way. And I mean serious pushing, people. I was given a great heave-ho by a bloke the other day, and neither of us were even getting off the train. Perhaps it’s a way to release the frustration and anger that one inevitably feels after having their space invaded.

Ebisu: More pushing; this time from me, as I try to get from wherever I am to the door to Get. Off. The. Fucking. Train. I stand on the platform for a moment to collect myself. My clothes are ripped to shreds, my hair is mussed, and my makeup smeared across my face. But ... fuck me, I made it.

The Yamanote Line train runs every two minutes. Almost to the second. And each train is like this during peak hour in Tokyo. And just crowded, thereafter.

I stumble out of the station, and head underground for the connecting subway ride…

Taken while waiting for a train at around 11.00pm, Ebisu station.

Fun fact!
From Wikipedia: An estimated 3.5 million passengers ride every day on Tokyo's Yamanote Line, with its 29 stations. For comparison, the New York City Subway carries 4.8 million passengers per day on 26 lines serving 468 stations.

I Spy...

2007-05-20T13:30:00.000+01:00

with my little eye, something beginning with GG.

Phew, a momentary return to my poor neglected blog.

What a funny couple of months it has been. I set myself free from the Clown's clutches almost two weeks ago after giving one month's notice. He wanted me to stay and offered me an extra $100- a month as an incentive to continue dealing with his shit. The final insult, you might say. And I would agree with you. I declined his offer and told him I was going back to Australia.

I gave notice to move out of GGHQ. No problems there. I began applying for jobs in Melbourne in preparation for my return.

I was sad because I didn't want to leave. I love Tokyo and it feels like home. For now, anyway. I reached the point where something had to change and I couldn't continue living the life I was living. I started packing and made lists, whilst fretting about how the hell to go about moving country again when I'm still recovering from the huge upheaval of leaving Australia two years ago. I'm too old for this shit, I muttered, standing amongst piles of things that I felt should have represented something, but didn't.

Then, I received an email from the top secret agency to which I had expressed interest regarding their top secret spy vacancies. I had interviewed with them about six weeks earlier, but was unsuccessful in getting that particular role. They wanted me in for another job - this one much better than the first and more in line with my interests, i.e., high-tech surveillance of the Asian arm of the organization, including China, Taiwan, Singapore, and Hong Kong.

Four weeks and four interviews later, I found out last week that I have the job. Big oo-ah! I get to stay in Japan with a brilliant job with an International Spy Agency and an amazing salary that will mean I have a lot more options and my time here will be far more enjoyable. I'd love to tell you more about it all, but as a top secret Spy working in a big, well-known building in Tokyo located in Roppongi, I'd have to kill you if I gave you details.

~~Tokyo Midtown~~ SpyHQ

So, Gaijin Girl morphs into Salarygirl and joins the ratrace tomorrow. Having worked in the gaming industry for the last two years, my wardrobe didn't contain any Spy-appropriate attire. And here began the dilemma. In Australia, I am considered slim. In Tokyo, where the sizes in Gap begin at 000 (truly, that's 'triple zero', people) I am comparatively obese. Also at 5'9", there are slim-pickings for clothes.The size XL shirts I wore to the interviews were gaping around the bust as the buttons strained to contain my (admittedly, not that large) bosoms. Hehe, no wonder I got the job! Still, after racing around Tokes for the last few days, I have finally found a few suits and some slightly better fitting shirts. I don't particularly like what I have, but choice is not a luxury I have. The clothes fit, and that's all I can hope for at this stage.

I'm not quite sure where this leaves this blog or GG. She's been fun, but I have a feeling she won't be a relevant voice anymore, and it could be time to lay her to rest. To be honest, I doubt I'll have much time for blogging. I haven't been told the hours I'm working because they're not set. SpyCentral pay well, but they expect a lot back and it might take me a bit of time to find a balance. (Someone from SpyCentral emailed me the other night at 11.00pm. This is not uncommon in Tokyo, or the Spy industry, in general.) This may sound appalling to some, but I am so looking forward to the challenge and can't wait to get into it. It's a whole new beginning, and exactly the sort of thing I came over to do. *has difficulty restraining herself*

On a personal note, I haven't emailed anyone for about four months, so if I owe you one, I hope to get in touch shortly. Things have been so up in the air I couldn't write to say what I was up to because it kept changing every few hours. Literally. Also, I haven't been commenting on other blogs much, but I do read them through my reader. Just like to say that I am still in awe of all your words.

And lastly, because this is Tokyo, here is a photo showing a little alley across the road from SpyHQ. Old and new, east and west, sit side by side -- they don't clash, rather, they co-exist.

Sunday: Part II

2007-04-26T04:35:00.000+01:00

After crashing about on Mount Fuji, we were dropped at Lake Ashi where we found the GG-mobile. Not quite as good as Batman's, but it provided an interesting diversion.

But the GG-mobile was forgotten once we spotted Cap'n-san sailing into view!

We waved hello just before we boarded something slightly more high-tech to take us around the lake.

Mount Komagatake loomed ahead, and a cable car rattled its way to the top. The views were spectacular, and these photos certainly do not do it justice.

Finally, coming down the mountain, a view of amazing Fuji-san looming silently and watching over the surrounding terrain.

It's Still All About Meme Me

2007-04-21T13:15:00.000+01:00

Dive has picked out an ol' favourite and breathed new life into it. Here it is again:

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

George W. Bush

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

Paris Hilton. OK, technically, she is not an artist or a musician, but she has released some warbling CD. Although even if she hadn't, she should still be destroyed.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

The Clown.

4. What is your favourite cheese?

Gorgonzola

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?

Chicken schnitzel, lettuce, tomato, avocado, tasty cheese on sourdough. With butter and mayonnaise.

6. You, Elvis and Princess Diana are in a dog sled, fleeing across the Siberian wastes with wolves in hot pursuit. The wolves are catching up fast. Who would you throw out to gain speed and why?

I'd push them both off because they're weighing down the sled too much and it would keep the wolves occupied for hours.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

Zach Braff

8. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?

Ewan McGregor (he sings!)

9. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

Put it towards dinner for Zach and Ewan, so they can regain their strength.

10. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Italy

11. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?

Take Zach and Ewan to the nearest pub. Hey, can I help it if the boys tagged along coz they can't get enough of me?

12. Your dream date. Who, where and why?

Date with Spike that turns into the two of us kicking some serious bad arse and saving the world. Because I'm a superhero and that's what I do.

13. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?

Champagne

14. Girls and gay guys: You're in bed with Marilyn Monroe, Doris Day and Salma Hayek. Who's gonna be the lucky girl? (you're only allowed one).
And similarly, guys and lesbians: You're in bed with Cary Grant, Paul Newman and Johnny Depp. Who's gonna be the lucky guy? (again, you're only allowed one). Give your reasons.

Sorry, I don't like my choices. Salma's a troll, Doris is too wholesome and Marilyn too insipid. Hey, I gotta have standards.

15. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-travelling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you travelling to and what are you going to do when you get there?

I would travel to London, circa 1665, after Charles II was restored to the English throne. I would go to Whitehall and eat, drink and be merry in the bawdy society he created after the boring puritanical rule of Oliver Cromwell. I would go and see the plays of Dryden, Congreve and Wycherley. My wig would be bigger, better, higher and whiter than anyone else's. I would wear gorgeous gowns, show off my impressive cleavage and flirt outrageously. I would be very, very drunk. Good times. When do I leave?

16. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

I am she who must be obeyed.

17. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise?

It's called Gaijin Girl Strikes Again. Its premise is the sorry existence of an Australian woman in Japan who resorts to blogging stupid memes to entertain herself. But then she meets two guys, Zach and Ewan, and moves to Italy and lives happily ever after with her two fellas in a grand old castle. With minions.

18. What is your favorite curse word?

Tosser.

19. You have a choice of two doors, one of which you MUST go through; the first leads to a roomful of spiders, the second to a roomful of clowns. Which is it to be?

I take this option every morning when I turn up to work. The Clowns.

20. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. So what’s the item?

My passport. Don't leave home without it.

21. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Tell them to stop just standing around my bed like freaks, as I'm paying them by the hour, and to get back to work cleaning GGHQ.

22. You have George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden locked in a small room together. It's airtight so both the fuckers are gonna suffocate anyway, but what amusing weapon do you give them to make it more entertaining?

I'd give GWB a copy of the Qur'an and Osama a Bible. Let the games begin.

23. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

Why wait? Bite me already.

24. Truthfully, what underwear are you currently wearing?

None.

25. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?

I'm already a superhero.

26. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Sitting on a rowboat after midnight on Loch Morag in Scotland. A fit Scottish army bloke was rowing and I had a glass of red wine in my hand to warm me from the freezing air. It was a full moon and a piper was standing on another boat not far away, piping his tunes. The haunting sounds echoed through the glen and the moonlight reflected off the loch. One of the most magical moments of my life.

27. Moses trips on his robe and drops the stone tablets. Commandment number eleven is broken off. He leaves it there as his back is killing him. What does it say?

"Thou shalt disregard the first ten commandments."

28.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

I have blocked all horrible experiences from my accessible memory. No wait ... there was that Pseudo Echo concert back in 1984. That's gotta go.

29. Rufus reappears with the time machine and a custard pie. Who's gonna get it?

No one because I scoff the custard pie and head off to explore the pyramids.

30. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-travelling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But you can move to anywhere else in the world! What country are you going to live in now?

I'm going to stay in Italy with Zach and Ewan because I'm a time-travelling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. Try and stop me.

31. What part of your body would you change (no, you are NOT perfect; you gotta answer this one) and why?

I'd like to have thick, straight hair, not wild, fluffy hair that takes ages to manage.

32. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?

There's a pub on Cockburn St in Edinburgh. Can't remember the name of it, but that'll do.

33. What's the last thing you ate?

Lime chu-hi.

34. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Suddenly, you have gained the ability to float. Who are you going to show this to first?

Float? What sort of dumb-arse question is this? I can already float. That's the first thing you learn when you start swimming. I showed my mum first!

35. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead celebrity of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?

Beethoven. He deserves all those royalties after living as a pauper all his life. Plus he created the most beautiful music I have ever heard and he might fancy composing some more music.

36. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, once again Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

I'd be hesitant to bring back anyone in case they came back 'wrong' like Buffy did. It didn't matter with Beethoven as he was already mad as a cut snake. Or just deaf.

37. What’s your theme song?

I'm Turning Japanese.

38 When did you last have sex?

When I was foolish enough to believe he was who he said he was.

39. Buffy, Willow or Xander?

Angel.

40. Who’s up next?

If you're reading this, you're up.

Sunday: Part I

2007-04-17T07:42:00.000+01:00

My time in Japan has taught me to appreciate the smaller things in life: to pay attention to details and to honour the minutiae. Somewhat. At best, I may now notice a tiny cherished flower valiantly growing from a crack in the footpath a millisecond before I inadvertently crush the life out of its precious, delicate petals with my shoe. I can't help it; I focus on the big-picture and don't notice the varying levels of nuance, the appreciation of which is at the core of Japanese culture.

With this in mind, you may be able to imagine my absolute elation upon seeing something through which I can finally identify (again, somewhat) with a commonly held obsession in Japan. [Warning: once again, there will be many photos of essentially the same vista.] So, the big picture? Well, here it is, baby: Fuji-san!

At 3,776 metres, Fuji-san is a mere pimple on the earth's surface compared to the towering majesty of Mount Everest at 8,848 metres; however, this fact is completely irrelevant to this post. I just like stats. And perspective (because it's all about the big picture, you see).

The mountain last erupted in 1708, and is still classified as an active volcano, although with a low risk of eruption. Tall, conical volcanoes are common in subduction zones where tectonic plates — the outer plates of the earth's crust — meet and move in relation to each other, with one sliding under the other into the earth's mantle. Subduction zones are also known for producing massive earthquakes due to their high levels of geological activity. Fuji-san hovers over an area where three such tectonic plates bump and grind.

The photos above are views of both the valley and the far-off Japan Alps, and a closer shot of the peak [below]. I took these from the 5th station (altitude 2300 metres) and we didn't climb any higher than that. And when I say 5th station, I mean thriving village more than halfway up the mountain; and when I say climb, I mean the bus climbed the winding tarmac and dropped us off outside the restaurant for lunch.

We were lucky in that it was such a beautiful, although hazy, day. The sky was blue except for around the summit where plenty of moisture was in the air. It was absolutely freezing wandering around the 5th station, so climbing will definitely have to take place in summer.

Until then, I borrowed some photos from Wikipedia of the summit.

I've always had a vision of sitting zen-like on top of the mountain while looking out over the world. I never once envisaged having to queue up to do so.

Toyama

2007-04-12T12:32:00.001+01:00

Elections were recently held for Tokyo's mayor. The same guy was re-elected back into office, whatever his name is, but about 15,000 people voted for ths dude.

Shame I'm not allowed to vote. He warns that people would be terrified. Heck, even he will be terrified. This stuff is pure gold.

Winds of Change

2007-04-05T12:57:00.000+01:00

Just like the spring blossoms, the mood at GGHQ also feels as though the beauty of the moment has passed and that life in Japan was just temporary.

The Clown told us that the company is going bust, and I haven't yet found another job. I'm going through the horrible going-for-interviews thing -- some people like them, but I dread them like a dollop of peanut butter on my toast. I know I'm always threatening to leave Japan, but this time I think I may actually have to. It's not immediate as my visa is valid until July, so if the company stays afloat until then, so shall I.

So ... I'm stressed. I'm sad. I'm feckin' tired. I'm also reflecting back over my time here -- I'm not ready to leave; I feel as though I've only just begun to settle in properly. I write this only to explain why I've not been posting, and why I probably won't be posting much until I get sorted.

In the meantime, GG has fallen in with a band of pirates (omg, I always wanted to be a pirate!) and is having a rollicking adventure with Cap'n-san. If you're pining for some tales from Japan, jump onboard and say ahoj to Cap'n Dyke, Lesbian Pirate Queen and Rogue Blogger and you'll have a terrific read while you're there.

A true story-teller Cap'n-san do be.

What Would You Do If You Were Given Five Minutes To Live?

2007-04-04T11:50:00.000+01:00

In light of my recent 'nut-induced brush with death, I have been contemplating things spiritual and metaphysical. What, I wondered idly to myself, would I do if I were told that my time on this ravaged planet would end at a given time?

Anyhoo, my reverie did not result in any earth-shattering conclusions as working for Clown-san is far too annoying and drives me to seek release playing this game.

Post your score in the comments and we'll see who the real winner is.

--
Update: Okey, Hamish is the winner. His best score so far is 1:25, which kicks my feeble 3:19 right back into the shark's mouth.

'How to Die' or 'The Peanut Cookie'

2007-04-03T10:16:00.000+01:00

Top ten reasons why it's not a good idea to raid your friends' kitchen when babysitting your wee bf:

10. You discover some fabulous looking cookies. You eat one. It has peanuts in it.

9. Your chest begins to feel as though it's being squeezed in a vice, while your heart flutters like a little bird in a (rib)cage.

8. When you try to swallow through your swollen throat, you feel the peristalsis wave go all the way down your now-very-sore oesophagus to your aching stomach.

7. You have to spend 5000 yen on a taxi home because you're too sick to take the train.

6. You are sweating under the bedclothes, but the second you move, you are wracked by uncontrollable shivering.

5. Your eyelids are so swollen you think Rocky's trainer will have to come and cut them open so you can see.

4. Ditto for your ears and hands.

3. You have a rash all over your chest.

2. You lull yourself into a fitful sleep by repeating the words 'anaphylactic shock'.

1. You start making up newspaper headlines to keep the fear at bay: "Decomposing Australian Woman Found Dead In Tokyo Two Weeks after Death. Peanuts."

Feeding My Mask Obsession

2007-03-23T01:45:00.000Z

As the saying goes, spring has sprung, and what better way to welcome its warmer wafts than to drink with thousands of other revellers under the cherry blossoms on your blue tarp? Get yourself a new spring wardrobe. The only downfall of this festive season is the high amount of pollen in the air, which raises the problem of how to match your facemask with that cute new Prada dress.

Don't panic. This is Japan.

The last two have actually left me speechless.

--
Pics courtesy of the Daily Portal where you can also get a full rundown on the mask-making process. [Site in Japanese.]

Cruisin' On A Sat'dy Night

2007-03-19T13:13:00.000Z

I know I'm having a blogging break, but went for a cruise on Tokyo Bay on the Funasei funship, so here are some quickie pics.

I swore I would never post photos of food on this blog, but due to being half-cut from an unanticipated visit to an Irish pub ridiculously early in the day, most of the evening ended up looking a little like this:

Rainbow Bridge, I think.

... and non-incriminating and/or decent photo choices are limited. Please remember that copious amounts of wine had washed down my gullet. Very quickly followed by most of the stuff here:

Hello, sailor!

Turns out I spent quite a bit of time out on deck, just admiring the view.

'Twas a fabulous evening that finished up in the early hours of Sunday morn somewhere in the 'Pong.

Here's the boat's interior before mayhem descended upon its peaceful ambience. [photo from their website linked above.]

Interval

2007-03-15T01:00:00.000Z

Posting will resume in a week or two. Or not.

We'll see.

It's White Day. In Japan.

2007-03-13T15:02:00.000Z

As single folk around the world are probably just completing their recovery from the horror that was Valentine's Day, singletons in Japan are bracing themselves for the next onslaught: White Day. The tradition is that women give the gifts on February 14, then men reciprocate on March 14 and give presents to those who gave them flowers, chocolate or undies.

Urban legend has it that Marshmallow Day, as it was originally called, began in 1965, when a cunning marketing executive from a marshmallow company decided that men should buy marshmallows for the women from whom they received chocolate back in February. Chocolate companies quickly jumped on the bandwagon and began marketing white chocolate as the gift of choice for the discerning young buck. There was also a stipulation that the men's gift should be worth three times the amount that the original gift was worth. If 'Marshmallow Day' doesn't sound romantic enough for you, get out your calculator to figure out how much you need to spend, plus tax, and Cupid is sure to reward you for your heartfelt and genuine gesture.

A GG original cyber-painting: Bugger White Day, Mate

I didn’t get a chance to slave over a hot stove making chocolate for my ~~non-existent~~ sweetie last month, so I’ll be on the receiving end of absolutely nothing for bloody White Day, as represented in my great work of art featured in this post. (Exhibition opening soon nowhere near you.) But never fear, caped crusaders; this superhero will be hosting her very own pity party. And you're all invited.

Sixty-two Years Ago Today

2007-03-10T13:50:00.000Z

March 9-10 marks the sixty-second anniversary of the 1945 firebombing of Tokyo when more than 300 American B-29s dropped thousands of explosives onto the city. The ensuing firestorm raged through and destroyed around forty-one square kilometres of land and incinerated an estimated 100,000 people, predominately civilians, in a single night. Those who weren't burned alive either asphyxiated as the inferno sucked all the oxygen from the air, or drowned or boiled in the rivers in which they sought refuge.

It is considered by many to be the most devastating air raid in history.

Phantasy Desk

2007-03-09T16:24:00.000Z

Ok, Prudence, Robyn and Dive have all posted some rockin' photographs of their blogging environments - home and/or office. Instead of photos of my messy desk and the GG super-computer-that-isn't (feck, no G5s, Macbook Pros, iMacs, etc.), here are a couple of images of things I would like to have:

I'm sure the screens above could be incorporated somehow into the (oft-mentioned-on-this-site) Eropod 500...

... and an iPhone would also be a most welcome addition to my life.

I'm the first to admit that I'm a geek-phreak. I could quite happily spend the rest of my life tinkering around on computers and learning new programs and systems. To me, the most appealing things about Japan are the amazing technology and kick-arse gadgets.

Of course, reality slaps you in the face faster than Microsoft can release patches for its OS flaws, and I quickly discovered that some Japanese inventions are not quite the futuristic innovations I had envisioned:

And although I am reticent for Vic to worry about my brolly obsession ...

From all the incredible things on offer in this crazy land, the thing that is most likely to make an appearance at GGHQ over the next week or so is a rice omelette. Now, I don't cook, so I don't mean of the culinary variety. This rice omelette mouse cover (complete with tomato sauce) could only come from a land as obsessed with food as Japan:

--
Cheers to Ueba and Gizmodo for images.

Ten Easy Steps to Get to GGHQ

2007-03-09T06:17:00.000Z

Seasonal Changes

2007-03-07T14:17:00.000Z

Photographed in Shinjuku Park March 4

It's official: Spring has arrived!

The city well-known for its grey concrete and drab demeanour is now awash with that traditional Tokyo spring colour ... beige.

Regardless of possible temperature fluctuations in the near future, a secret sign – like the Bat-Signal, but projecting a bad jacket – must have lit the night sky above the metropolis, indicating that winter coats must be packed away and the general populace must thenceforth don their drab beige couture.

Even without the beige onslaught, spring is making its presence known through typical spring weather – storms and strong winds. Walking home from work on Monday night saw me drenched by rain from a wild storm – absolutely fabulous! There was no point even putting up the brolly as it would have blown away, so I grinned, turned my face to the heavens and enjoyed every exciting second.

My elation quickly turned to dismay when I got home. After cruising through the last six months with relatively good hair, I came back to earth to realise the fluff is back. Spring, and the upcoming rainy season and ghastly humid summer turn my locks into uncontrollable frizz.

For this reason, I have [gulp] booked in for the big chop on Friday night. I am totally gutted.

Chikan-free Commuting

2007-03-06T02:25:00.000Z

This sign on the platform of Shibuya Station reminded me of my previous couple of posts about pervs. There were a few dotted along the platform (signs, that is, not pervs) to signify which carriages are safe for women to travel grope-free between the hours of 7.38am and 9.33am. The rest of the time must be a free-for-all. I am completely in awe of the attention paid to time-management in this country.

Despite my puerile remarks about my virgin grope-ee status, I know the chikan situation is really serious and that many women have been traumatised by these arseholes. On one level, I admire the government's attempts to address it, but basically these measures are merely a societal band-aid that fails to look at the underlying attitude toward women in this country.

But, back to the sign: I love that it's in pink and I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Hello Kitty appears on it.

It's All About The Pantaloons

2007-03-02T14:53:00.000Z

Adam left a comment on my previous post inquiring as to whether school girls' panties are still sold in vending machines in Japan (it's not as it sounds - he's just a curious fella). As I'm not an authority on the matter [surprised? I think not], I did a little digging around. If you'll forgive the lazy copy and paste, for which I am sure GGSA will be shut down (and not a moment too soon, I breathe a sigh of relief), here are some excerpts from Snopes regarding the matter. I highly recommend reading the whole article, as it provides great insight into one aspect of the incredibly complex thing that is Japanese society:

Girlish youth and innocence are considered sexy in Japan, a culture with a long history of regarding women more as sex toys than as people. This obsession with untouched adolescence results in the sad sight of women in their thirties emitting girlish giggles and clutching teddy bears in an effort to maintain their appeal to the opposite sex. Although it can fairly be said Western society also prizes youth in a woman, there the fascination has to do more with the looks of a girl than it does with her immaturity and presumed sexual innocence. A pretty 26-year-old who would be considered lovely in the West would in Japan be viewed by many as hopelessly long in the tooth.

Western society looks for firm, youthful bodies housing the attitudes of grown women — we like them young, but we don't like them to act young. In the West, a teen's sex appeal is dependent upon her ability to look and act much older, thus the fascination with makeup and plunging necklines, accoutrements that make her appear less of a child and more of a woman. In Japan, this ideal is reversed — sexy in the Land of the Rising Sun adds up to childlike behavior and modes of dress that express this ideal. Sometimes this amounts to the adoption of clothing styles highly reminiscent of high school uniforms, but even when a girl dons an evening gown, she will strive to look like a kinderling caught parading in Mom's finery. Likewise, childish outbursts, pouting, and tantrums are viewed as charmingly erotic because such actions work to further the violated schoolgirl image.

If you've read the whole article, you don't need to be a genius to understand why this long-in-the-tooth-hag chose these particular, and seemingly unrelated, paragraphs to focus on. Ok, I'm still trying to make sense of how, and if, I can fit into a society that celebrates everything I am not. It's a tough gig. You will, however, need to be a genius to work out why Bill Gates appears here. In an image search for Japanese panties for my pervy readers, the above pic was tenth on the list.

Bite me.

My Knickers are in a Right Knot

2007-03-01T12:38:00.000Z

So, while Dive is getting felt up on the train on the way to London, yours truly is still skulking about the subway trying to find her chikan. As I'm still grope-free (do they take cash incentives, I wonder?), it was reassuring to read today's news stories and discover that pervs continue to exist in the seedy underbelly of this great country.

Allow me to introduce ... the shitagidorobo - the man who nicks your knickers.

From Japan Today:

HOKUTO - A 45-year-old man was arrested for stealing women's underwear from a laundromat in Yamanashi Prefecture, police said Wednesday.
The man, identified as YF* from Hokuto, is alleged to have stolen more than 400 items, of which more than half were stockings.
"I started stealing them three years ago," YF was quoted as saying, admitting to the charge. "I had a thing for women's legs and I enjoyed wearing them."

The above photo depicts the fruits of his endeavours. Now, I'm not one to rain on anyone's parade - whatever you're into, go ahead as long as you don't harm anyone else - but I have had underwear and other clothes stolen in Australia and it's downright annoying. Certainly not the worst thing that can happen by any stretch of the imagination, but they could at least buy their own.

This also, from April last year:

NAGOYA - A 50-year-old man accused of stealing woman's [sic] underwear was arrested Friday, with police seizing about 1,700 pieces of underwear and other items from a garage he used, law enforcers said. The man, HA, was arrested on suspicion of theft.
He has reportedly admitted to the allegations. "I was responsible for around 250 incidents from 1990," he was quoted as telling police. "I haven't been able to talk to girls since I was a student, so I became interested in underwear."
Investigators accuse HA of smashing a window to gain entry to a 43-year-old female office worker's home in Midori-ku, Nagoya, at about 6:30 p.m. on April 11, then stealing 67 items of underwear.
When police searched the garage listed as HA's place of work, they reportedly found about 1,700 pieces of underwear and other items. HA had cased out apartments where he committed the thefts and pressed the intercoms at doors to check that no one was home before going in to steal items, police said.
He reportedly committed the thefts while driving around eastern Nagoya and the Aichi Prefecture cities of Toyota, Nisshin and other areas on business.

Some truly astonishing stealth-like manoeuvres there - what a criminal genius: Press the intercom and see if someone's home. If not, steal their knickers. This chap was outdone by the one and only shitagidorobo master.

From August, last year:

YOKOHAMA - Kanagawa prefectural police on Wednesday re-arrested a 46-year-old man on charges of stealing women's underwear, local media reported Thursday.
The man, identified as KM, was arrested earlier this month for trespassing.
When police searched his home in Kanazawa Ward, they confiscated about 2,500 items of women's underwear.
"I have never been able to speak to women, so collecting their underwear gave me pleasure," KM was quoted as saying.
Police said that he had placed their panties underneath his futon and was sleeping on them. KM has admitted to stealing underwear for the past 10 years, police said.
He was apprehended while he was going through the washing machine in an apartment near his home late at night on Aug. 1, police said.

There are many disturbing elements to this post, not the least of which is the amount of time I have wasted trying to format this. For fuck's sake. All I will/can say at this point is:

1. Why do some men find it so difficult to talk to women? It's really not that hard.

2. What the fuck is with the word 'panties'? It should never be used. Ever.

3. Is it just me, or has the underwear in all the above photos been laid out with a little bit too much attention to detail?

--
*The papers mentioned full names, but as I'm not sure if they've been found guilty (police often get confessions out of people even if they have not committed the crime) I am reticent to put their full names here.

The World is Still Black and White

2007-02-28T13:50:00.000Z

In keeping with the this is the best idea I've ever had approach to photography, I found myself at the top of the Shinagawa Prince Hotel for Tokyo's second cloudy and rainy winter day.

We had to first navigate our way through Shinagawa Station, where, over the past year or so, I have spent many an hour walking around in my usual befuddled state, clueless as to how to actually get out of the place. I'm sure it's bigger than Melbourne Airport.

A friend and I went for lunch at a restaurant in the hotel, the name of which I can't remember, nor do I know what floor we were even on, but if you're in Tokyo, I highly recommend it.

Although it rains a lot at home, the whole umbrella culture hasn't really taken off and you're considered a bit of a wuss if you shun a few drops of rain. It's the complete opposite in Japan. Locals cringe like the Wicked Witch of the West at the first sign of rain clouds and scurry for cover lest the water melts them or, even worse, messes with their fabulous hairdos. And that's just the men. Still, I've joined the brolly-brigade and now have seven umbrellas in my possession to match every possible outfit. Er, which would be black. Or black.

I had never noticed these umbrella lockers before this particular rainy day. Petty theft is relatively unheard of, so I imagine these lockers exist purely for the amount of people who would be needing to place their brolly somewhere (god forbid you carry them inside and drip water over the floor - as I unwittingly did when I first arrived). You drop the umbrella in, the key pops up and off you go, content in the knowledge that it will be there when you return.

OK, this post mentions umbrella or brolly six times. I cannot believe I am resorting to talking about the weather. Can my life possibly get any more boring? Stay tuned because you'll be the first to know.

The Same Building. From Way Too Many Angles

2007-02-24T14:33:00.000Z

No Friday Seppuku this week as I just haven't had the time or energy. Instead, as a follow up to the amazing futuristic pics posted on GGSA a while back (not taken by me), here are some pics of industrial Tokyo, appearing as it would have circa 1975.

Tokyo in winter is gorgeous: clear, sunny days and clean, crisp air. It was not, however, one of these clear sunny days that I decided to take photographs from the top of the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building. I rolled over in bed and looked out the window on the afternoon of the mission to see murky grey clouds that threatened snow. Undeterred, I braved the weather and put far more faith in my photographic skills than proved to be justified.

I'm a bit of a geek for facts and figures, so you might want to skip the following if you find them boring; although you're here on this blog, so you're obviously after some kind of punishment.

The Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building houses Tokyo's other important HQ - the Tokyo local government - which I am sure very efficiently looks after the 23 wards, cities, towns and villages that constitute this fair town. Designed by architect Kenzo Tange to look like a computer chip, the building consists of a complex of three structures, each taking up a city block. The tallest and most prominent of the three is the Tokyo Metropolitan Main Building No. 1, a tower 48 stories tall that splits into two sections at the 33rd floor. The building also has three levels below ground.

The other two buildings in the complex are the eight-story Tokyo Metropolitan Assembly Building, including one floor below ground [below] and the Tokyo Metropolitan Main Building No. 2, which has 37 stories including three below ground [see below below].

A token search of our bags revealed nothing untoward, so we were ushered to the lift and up to the observation level in one of the towers. (It was so long ago now that I don't remember which one.) Flurries of snow danced outside the window but melted before they hit the ground. Here's a view of folk in the other tower, some freakin' rocking multi-level expressways, and the Park Hyatt Tokyo, famous from Lost in Translation (still unseen by yours truly). We went to the New York Grill for lunch and although I'm not really too excited by food and am happy just to satisfy my hunger, I was disappointed to find the food very average. The chef must have been having an off day.

Various other non-views:

The Government Building from another tall building nearby, [above] and the courtyard/walkways [below].

Aaaand... various shots from the Hyatt.

Er, the government buildings again [above]

Finally, a wee glimpse into how this city stays so immaculately clean. Grab a sponge and a bucket of water, and hang from a rope and wipe the building down by hand.

Give Me Something To Sing About

2007-02-21T12:51:00.000Z

Life’s a show,
And we all play our parts.
And when the music starts,
We open up our hearts.

It's alright if some things come out wrong.
We’ll sing a happy song,
And you can sing along.

Where there’s life, there's hope
Every day's a gift,
Wishes can come true,
Whistle while you work,
So hard all day

To be like other girls,
To fit in, in this glittering world.

Don’t give me songs,
Don’t give me songs.

Give me something to sing about.
I need something to sing about.

Life’s a song,
You don’t get to rehearse,
And every single verse,
Can make it that much worse.

Still my friends
Don’t know why I ignore…
The million things or more,
I should be dancing for.

All the joy,
Life's ends.
Family and friends
All the twists and bends,
Knowing that it ends.
Well, that depends…

On if they let you go,
On if they know enough to know
That when you bowed,
You leave the crowd.

There was no pain.
No fear,
No doubt,
Til they pulled me out,
Of heaven.

So, that’s my refrain.
I live in hell,
'Cause I’ve been expelled from heaven.

I think I was in heaven.

So, give me something to sing about.
Please, give me something…

Spike:
Life’s not a song.
Life isn’t bliss
Life is just this:
It’s living.

You’ll get along.
The pain that you feel
You only can heal,
By living.

You have to go on living,
So one of us is living.

Dawn:
The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.
[Be brave. Live.]

Sing along with that other superhero, Buffy.

Spill Your Guts

2007-02-16T14:43:00.000Z

Aaaand ... welcome back! to the second round of... [cue balloons, streamers and audience applause]

Thanks for joining us! Right, as the carryover champ, I'll kick off the whinge-fest. Feel free to vent in the comments box below - anonymously if you so choose - and let's see if anyone can knock me off my high horse.

My topic this week is something I don't complain about very often because I knew the score before I came to Japan. Girlfriends who had lived here for years tried to talk me out of leaving Australia. 'You'll never meet a bloke in Japan, GG', one kind soul warned. "I lived there for seven years and didn't date once."

'Hehe, fuck it!' I laughed. 'That's not my reason for living - I'll take the adventure, thanks.' [Yeah, the adventure, she thinks wistfully, while writing another pile of crud for a blog.]

Where was I? Oh, yes. So ... I didn't expect romance to come a-knockin' on my door, so I was disconcerted to find myself entangled in some intriguing, if not dangerous, liaisons within my first eighteen-months. Looking back, I realise that those events were but bonus episodes in the 90210-esque series of disastrous attempts at relationships with, basically, some pretty suspect choices on my part. And I own that.
Therefore, based on those experiences, general observations, and conversations with other gaijin girls and boys, I have systematically and scientifically clumped straight, foreign men in Japan into the following stereotypical categories:

Attached ex-pats: Men who are usually sent over by their company on an amazing deal. They come over to live for approximately 3 - 5 years and bring their wife/girlfriend/significant other and/or child/children if they have one/them. Generally work- and family-oriented, these creatures tend to stay away from the single social scene.

Single ex-pats: Men who are usually sent over by their company on an amazing deal. They come over to live for approximately 3 - 5 years. These creatures are high-achievers - they're young, they have a lot of responsibility and they make a hell of a lot of money. They spend most of their time at the office (12 - 15+ hours a day) and don't have much time left for a relationship (even if they want one). They are amazed to find the local female of the species to be quite different from those at home. They find this phenomenon to be rather exciting and good for their ego. They work hard and play hard.

Japanophiles - [I]: Men who come to Japan for various reasons and generally teach English. They are not in tune with the culture, although they try, and are quite befuddled by appropriate behavioural norms. Like the single ex-pats, they are amazed to find the local female of the species to be quite different from those at home. They find this phenomenon to be rather exciting and good for their ego. Although they are not particularly fond of life in Japan, they figure they're getting more here than at home, so they stick around. This group is more likely than any of the others to regress into that well-loved character in Japan -- Charisma Man.

Click to enlarge.

Japanophiles - [II]: Men who come to Japan because they are attracted to the culture. They like the food, the particular way of interacting with the other humans, the history, the landscape, the language. They immerse themselves in Japanese life and don' t have much to do with other foreigners. They tend to have Japanese wives/girlfriends/partners.
--

Reigning champion? I think so.

Housekeeping

2007-02-15T08:25:00.000Z

I thought I had recovered from my poll addiction, but I awoke this morning at 3.00am with a burning desire to publish yet another irrelevant question for my hapless reader:

Do you prefer the comments box to be a pop-up or the next page?

This poll was inspired by a conversation in Robyn’s comments section last week. And when I say inspired, I mean that this is the best freakin’ idea of my life! Gasp in wonder along with me.

Anyhoo … I have a bit of a beef with next page comments because it means you load the original webpage, read some stuff, feel the urge to leave a little something for the blogger, and then you have to wait while the whole comments page loads. You leave your witty, humourous, and sensitive opinion, then you have to wait again for the main page to load before you can read the previous blog entry and its associated comments.

I’m lucky because I live in the magical land of not only wasabi chocolate and tiny men, but also of super-fast fibre-optic cable internet access. I can browse at the speed of lightning but not everyone has such an awesome connection. It would totally blow if you were on dial-up or slower broadband, as I was not so long ago.

On the other hand, if you read a blog with a pop-up comment box, you can continue to scroll up and down the main page as you reference particular points and notes in your thoughtful response to their hard slogged prose. You also don't have to wait for the various pageloads.

So, dear reader, I put it in your safe hands. You may choose more than one response from this objective list:

* I've seen you lurking there day after day. Time to say hello.

It's Valentine's Day. In Japan.

2007-02-13T23:20:00.000Z

Japanese go nuts for Valentine's Day. Ever ready to embrace the kitsch, the tacky, and the commercially exploitative, stores stock a multitude of Valentine-themed gifts and treats, and restaurants are booked out well in advance. In a rather unique spin-off, the women are supposed to approach the object of their desire and give a gift - usually chocolate. And, because this is Japan, you just wouldn't be shopping if there were not six thousand or so different chocolates, produced especially for the occasion, to choose from. Choices include your standard fare, plus flavours like wasabi horseradish, black pepper, and soy sauce.

In keeping with the ever reliable reporting and informative approach for which this blog is known, I read somewhere, oh, maybe not so long ago, that as much as one quarter of the total amount of confectionary consumed in Japan is on or for Valentine's Day. A hotel in Tokyo even has a Valentine's offer to cover a couple from head to toes in chocolate cream. Nice.

So, like I said, this country is crazy for February 14. Because of this, Japan is also the worst place in the world to be on Valentine's Day if you're single. And if all your single mates are in Australia. The only solution, I figured, was to buy myself a wee giftie. I'm not really one for chocolate, but a fine single malt? Oh, aye.

Tonight, I shall go home and have a wee dram or ten and wait for March 14, also known as White Day, when it's the men's turn to approach the objects of their desire. I wonder which will be more fun... not having anyone to give chocolates to? Or not receiving any? One must live through the horror twice.

Slainte mhath.

Come On Down!

2007-02-13T04:40:00.000Z

Aaaand ... welcome back!

Right, unfortunately, I have to vote myself the winner of last week's Friday Seppuku. Although the wonderful contestants offered some reasonable challenges, including B's newly discovered paternity of Dannielynn, Cap'n-san's animal bites, and even poor Old Knudsen being insulted by some clever dick who called him the Barry Manilow of Blogging, no one organised their personal pity party with quite the same level of self-involved narcissism that was evident in my presentation.

As the reigning champion, I hope for some real competition come Friday.

Monday Melee

2007-02-12T06:24:00.000Z

Er, it's time for the Monday Melee again. At the rate I'm going, this weekly theme will be the only thing appearing on this piece of shite.

1. The Misanthropic: Name something you absolutely hate.
Manipulative people. I'm very easy-going and laid back so I find it almost incomprehensible that some folk deliberately choose to fuck with other people's lives. If you thrive on drama and chaos, then restrict it to your own sorry existence and don't drag other people into your insane world.

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.
The concept of Japanese efficiency. Before I lived here, I had the impression that Japanese society was highly efficient. Although Japan’s workers reportedly work more hours than just about any other nation, I'm here to tell you that not a lot is getting done. People may be physically present in the office for 12 hours or more a day, but are probably productive for only 50% of that time. It's more important to show that you're there for the company than actually do the job efficiently.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.
Fluorescent lights. They’re everywhere! It’s the worst lighting in the world and it doesn’t make things, or me, look pretty at all. For some inexplicable reason, there are five lights on the ceiling at GGHQ, four of which are fluorescent. The horrible lighting is slowly killing me.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.
Nic, this one's to you, darlin'. You've had a really, really tough couple of years and you've handled them with strength, resilience and a hell of a lot of courage. You're my hero, and I'm sorry I wasn't in Australia to support you through it. Miss you, babe.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.
I have beautiful blue eyes. Or they could be green. I have trouble telling the difference between blue and green. Either way, when they're not bloodshot and bleary, I like 'em.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.
I wish for a new job that offers health insurance, paid sick leave, a decent salary and more than 10 days holiday a year. Ha, and the Eropod 500.

2007-02-09T13:22:00.000Z

Feeling fed up? Had a gutful? Want to spill your guts? Has the week left a bad taste in your mouth?

Hello and welcome! I'm your host, Gaijin Girl, and I'll be talking you through this week's episode of ...

FRIDAY SEPPUKU! [cue balloons, streamers and audience applause]

OK, quieten down, folks. [Flashes white teeth to the crowd with a dazzling smile.]

Thanks for joining us. If you're new to the programme, I'll give you a little background. Every Friday, we get together and have a whinge about how bad our week has been... about the shocking state of the world... about the apathy of our 'leaders'... whatever you feel like. It's a wonderful free-for-all where everyone is welcome to shed some light on the dark events of their week or the morbid state of their soul. The person with the sorriest rant will be the hapless winner of the most amazing prize, yet to be determined. At the very least, your pathetic state of being shall be added to this post as an addendum.

So, to get things rolling... I offer a story. It's hardly of Darfur-esque proportions or even significance and I certainly recognise the banality of the following compared with the bigger picture. My gripe is about work.

I can't write too much, as I think they know about my blog at work and I need to be careful. You know, because it's such an amazing job and I'd hate to lose it! All I can say at this time is that stress has caused a twitch in my right eye, which makes the Clown think I'm winking at him, and he has therefore taken to offering me lollies, fruit and biscuits. While I'm partial to the odd snack, I don't really want to accept treats from a Clown wearing a face mask while he is spreading his germs around the office like a bad case of the clap.
In addition, I also hate that I work for over 45 hours a week in an office with windows running along the length of the building. This in itself is not bad, but for 9 hours a day I sit at my desk while the windows are closed, the blinds are drawn, and fluorescent lights burn my retinas away. Multipy 45 hours a week by the 18 months I have worked there, and that's a graph I bet even Hamish wouldn't bother putting together.

Time in that airless room is time I will never get back. Such is my whine. What's yours?

The Monday Melee

2007-02-05T06:45:00.000Z

I've joined the Monday Melee, the brainwave of Fracas. This should be appearing every Monday from now on...

1. The Misanthropic: Name something you absolutely hate.
Hangovers. After spending yesterday in the pub and last night crooning at karaoke, I have a hangover from hell today. How can so much fun end in so much pain?

2. The Meretricious: Expose something or someone that’s phony, fraudulent or bogus.
Xenophobia is a serious problem in Japan and is known to be fostered and encouraged quite openly, as demonstrated in an article appearing in the above-pictured magazine. Click over to Debito's blog for translation and discussion.

3. The Malcontent: Name something you’re unhappy with.
Racism, wherever it exists, and what it is doing to the world.

4. The Meritorious: Give someone credit for something and name it if you can.
To Old Knudsen for blogging (at least once) every day and for making me laugh.

5. The Mirror: See something good about yourself and name it.
In my real life, I endeavour to be as honest as possible both with myself and those around me.

6. The Make-Believe: Name something you wish for.
For people to make more effort in understanding others, and to celebrate our differences. The world would be a boring place if we were all the same.

Skirts are Liftin'

2007-02-03T15:50:00.000Z

Face masks have once again made a comeback to the streets of Tokyo. Due to recent advice (since retracted) that two serves a day of the fermented beans encourages weight loss, shops were overwhelmed with the demand for natto and, consequently, face masks.

Cap'n-san extraordinaire has all the details.

The West Wing

2007-02-03T08:45:00.001Z

Last night, while exploring the previously uncharted west wing of GGHQ, a glint of white in a far corner of the dusty old ballroom caught my eye.

Holding my candle aloft, I approached the corner with some trepidation. The white object was emitting a faint hum. A huge and sudden bang nearly forced me back to the safety of my futon, until I remembered my coach's repeated words from superhero training: 'Stop behaving like a spineless wimp, GG'. In the eerie silence following the bang, I could almost hear the fear-sweat leaking from my pores.

Closer inspection of the strange thing revealed it to be what is known as a refrigerator. Phew, I had heard of these. People have them in their kitchens to store food to later cook and eat. Over the years, my only reason to go near one has been to avail myself of a perfectly chilled bottle of Champagne.

The grand old family who lived here before me had obviously been wiped out in a merciless attack by Mister Freeze. I humbly bow precisely 45 degrees in their honour to thank them for leaving this sweet, sweet caramel treasure.

The Truth Is...

2007-02-01T13:25:00.000Z

Aww, you win for taking the time out to guess.

1. I won a Dolly magazine cover girl competition when I was 16.

Not true.
I never even entered a competition. When I was 12, I wrote in a schoolbook (that I still have) that I wanted to be a model, architect and actress. I can't quite remember if I was going to incorporate all three at the same time or do some kind of job share. Fast forward to 16 years of age and I was a horrible teenager: tall, lanky and awkward, and had started wearing nothing but black - which I embrace to this day. My interest in makeup then was to see how much of the black stuff I could slather on my eyes, lips and fingernails, and I believe my career aspiration at the time was to live in a squat in London, sleep all day, and go to clubs every night.
A sure candidate for the high achievers' club.

2. I had lunch and got pissed with Timothy Dalton.

True.
Most of my time in Scotland was spent working as a live-in personal carer. Tim [she says casually] was a friend of the family I was working for. He and his wife used to come and stay at the house for a couple of weeks of refreshing Highland air away from the cameras and insanity of his other life. There were many lunches and drunken dinners, but the one I remember most is when the ‘lady of the house’ was away in Perth one day, which meant the lads and I hit the pub for some haggis. Writing that, I guess it sticks in my mind as it was probably the only time I was out in public with him and it was surreal to note other people’s reactions. We were in a sleepy village in the middle of nowhere and he would have been the last person the locals would have expected to see on their way to Boots to do their errands.
He’s very tall (nice) and terribly charming when he wants to be. He’s also very private and I respect that.

3. While working as a counsellor, I also volunteered at the Asylum Seeker Resource Centre.

This one was the red herring, as the first half is true. Before I came to Japan, I was an employment counsellor and worked with people with mental health issues to help them find employment via a range of counselling interventions. The CEO promoted a psychotherapeutic approach, which works really well for a lot of people, but was not appropriate for our client base, time constraints or funding levels. The Clown with his shuffling inefficiency is a dream boss compared to my then boss, who was also one of my three clinical supervisors and had no communication skills at all.
Before I burnt out, I signed up at a local community house as a volunteer tutor to teach English to asylum seekers. I started the certificate training, but that was added, along with two different Graduate Diplomas and various other courses I started over the years, to the continuing pile of things I've started and haven’t finished.

4. I turn 29 in August.

Not true.
My birthday is in July and I won't be turning 29.

5. I lived in Italy for twelve months.

Not true.
I spent about six weeks travelling in Italy and loved everything about it: food, language, history, landscape, architecture, sights, smells - even the stench of Venice. The Italian sense of passion, excitement, and expressive body language is so appealing, which makes me wonder all the more why I live in Japan - in what I perceive to be such an up-tight and controlled society.
I hope to live in Rome one day and am following up on something now that might eventuate in a European transfer down the track.

But that's enough about me. Who's the most famous person you've met?

You Can't Handle the Truth

2007-01-30T13:15:00.000Z

Everyone is doing this meme, and as I am a blog sheep, I am following dutifully. Albeit late, so I've completely missed the party. As always.

Anyhoo, I always adjust memes to suit myself because I'm such a control freak. Instead of 'Five things about me, only four of which are true', the GG special edition is 'Five things about me, only one of which is true'.

1. I won a Dolly magazine cover girl competition when I was 16.

2. I had lunch and got pissed with Timothy Dalton.

3. While working as a counsellor, I also volunteered at the Asylum Seeker Resource Centre.

4. I turn 29 in August.

5. I lived in Italy for twelve months.

Answer in comments box, please.

You are ineligible for this competition and/or unable to leave comments that will give anything away if you know me outside GGSA. As an added incentive to put your thinking caps on, I might even sing a song on your blog if you guess correctly. Ha. If you win and you don't have a blog, then you just miss out because you lose.

Personal Development

2007-01-29T02:25:00.000Z

During a recent existential crisis, a friend very wisely stated that I have to figure out what I want in life. After pondering this long and hard, I think I've established an action plan to bring about change. The plan incorporates not only things I've known for a while, but also a newly realised perspective on this burden we call life.

As is painfully obvious, this blog is not used as a dumping ground for my intuitively profound and insightful ideas and thoughts about life and the world in general. I will, however, share the first (and only) thing on my list that will pretty much make my life complete once installed at GGHQ.

The Eropod500:

It's almost worth getting knee-capped for.

The world would be a better place if ________.

2007-01-27T14:40:00.000Z

Via the Sassy one, here’s lovely Robyn’s assignment.

I’m a self-centred bint, so I made a wee change. Prepare to be mesmerised by the utter vacuousness of the following.

My world would be a better place if people watched where they were going. There still appears to be some confusion as to which side of the footpath/sidewalk one should walk, despite the arrows on the ground indicating just that.

My world would be a better place if the same people refrained from inspecting their navels, feet, etc. as they wandered around the city. If they’re looking down, they should be able to see the arrows and follow them accordingly.

My world would be a better place if the insane plastic bag subculture didn’t exist. For some incomprehensible reason, certain items purchased from supermarkets are wrapped in plastic then placed in plastic bags. That’s at least three layers of plastic, people.

My world would be a better place if the Clown went back to lurking in hostess bars all day and didn’t involve himself in current projects, thereby confusing an already confused office.

My world would be a better place if the following scenario didn’t happen again. Ever.

Clown: GG-san, how many files you have left?

GG: I’ve done five of the nine files, so I have four to read.

Clown: You have two.

Beat.

GG: Um... out of the nine files, I have read five files, so that leaves four files.

Clown: There are not nine files.

GG: Oh. (Opens folder on computer) Here are the nine files I received.

Clown: Ah so, we sent two back to client. You have seven files.

Beat

GG: O-kaaay. Which files have been sent back to the client?

(Clown indicates the returned files)

GG: So… I have proofed two 4000-word documents that I didn’t actually need to read?

Clown: You have new boots? (staring at GG’s legs)

My world would be a better place if I’m never again sent a 5500-word* document at 4.00pm on a Friday afternoon. If I didn’t work on it until 6.30 then decide to call it a day as it had been a very long week. If I didn’t shut down my computer, put on my beanie, coat and gloves, and have some weekend-plans banter with the gaijin guy next to me. If I didn’t walk to the door, only to hear:

Clown: GG-san, it is good translation, ne?

GG: It’s not bad, Clown-san. I’ve had to rewrite a lot, as the translation is quite literal and very confusing in places.

Clown: You have finished the file?

GG: I’ve got four pages to go, so I’ll get it to you by lunchtime on Monday.

Clown: The file is due tonight.

Beat.

GG: @#$$#%%^^&(*)*()%^$%^#$^#$@$%^%&% (Just manages to refrain from spontaneously combusting. Just.)

My world will be a better place when it finally sinks into my thick skull that it is possible to say ‘no’ without actually saying no. It can be done in the following ways, so please be advised of the following and take precautions:

Silence
It is possible
Why?
Perhaps
Yes, but
Aaaaaah
Various gutteral sounds
Hesitation
Yes

Conversely, my world will be a better place when it finally sinks into my thick skull that ‘yes’ can mean:

I understand
No

--
* I rewrite about 1000 words an hour if the translation is good, i.e. I can understand wtf is being said. This job required at least seven hours, not 2.5 hours. And it would have been very handy to know the deadline constraints.

The Little Ol' Place I Call Home

2007-01-18T06:30:00.000Z

Via Boing Boing: "Flickr user /\ltus has posted a stunning "high dynamic range" photo of the Tokyo skyline. HDR photos merge several shots at different exposures to create a hyperreal color that has to be seen to be believed. Be sure to view at full-size for maximum effect."

I attached the full-size here (click to enlarge) or you can see compressed version at his Flickr site. The photos were taken from the top of the Mori Building in the 'Pong on a rainy night. Even so, the detail on the buildings is incredible.

I feel as though I'm living in the setting of a futuristic computer game.

I felt a bit intimidated by the absolute enormity* of Tokyo when I first arrived. How the hell was I going to forge a life for myself? My cunning plan to leave all that was near and dear to me and live in Japan suddenly seemed to be rather foolish and rash. I didn't know anything about Japan - heck, I could hardly place it on a map before I got here - and couldn't (er, and still can't) speak Japanese. I didn't have a job lined up.

I've never been a 'planner' and have always thought that a quick decision is a good one. Oh, I have come to rue that philosophy on many occasions. Although I have not yet worked out what I want from life, I never imagined that leaving Australia again would be part of it - I thought I would be more settled (a concept that generally motivates me to start packing) at this stage of my life.

Still, things work out in the end. They always do. Twenty-one months later and I don't want to be anywhere else**. The recent interview for the London job made me realise this. I thought I wanted to live in the UK and that Japan was merely a stepping stone to getting there - and perhaps in the long run it will be - but my time here is not yet complete.

The memory of seeing Shinjuku and Shibuya for the first time stays with me. The palpable energy and pulse of the city was exciting and I had that feeling you get when you're a foreigner in a very foreign land: anything is possible. Even now, not a day has gone by without thinking with some surprise, 'Feck, I'm living in Tokyo!'

I've been meaning to take some photos from the top of the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building in Shinjuku so you could see the sheer size of the city. Perhaps I still will, although my photos will look like old faded photocopies taken from an overdue library book compared to these amazing shots.

* Ha, and friends at home scoff at me for always getting lost.

**Don't think for a minute that this precludes any future whinging about living in Tokyo or Japan in general. It doesn't.

'One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish' or 'The River Pig'

2007-01-17T14:45:00.000Z

As a committed Generation X-er – with subsequent nihilism, short attention span and too much free time – most of my knowledge about fugu, or blow fish, came from the Simpsons. Then I moved to Japan... and everything I know about fugu is still pretty much based on that classic episode where Homer eats the ill-prepared fish, and is then diagnosed and given 24-hours to live.

Fugu is still considered to be a delicacy in Japan, despite the fact that its organs contain a mighty wallop of tetrodotoxin. Tetrodotoxin is produced by certain bacteria, including Pseudoalteromonas tetraodonis, mainly in the liver and the ovaries of fugu, but also the skin and the testicles. Toxicity varies between species, seasons and geographic localities and the flesh of many fugu is not necessarily toxic. For this reason, only specially licensed chefs can prepare and sell fugu and the consumption of the liver and ovaries is forbidden (although this makes it more tantalising for some).

Despite the risks, many still enjoy fugu’s supposedly bland taste. Half the people poisoned by fugu can expect to live between 4 – 24 hours. If you survive longer than 24-hours your chances of recovery are good, otherwise you're buggered as the symptoms are not pretty. The poison does not cross the blood-brain barrier, so you remain fully conscious as your body becomes paralyzed. You will be unable to speak or move due to paralysis, you will soon be unable to breathe and you will subsequently asphyxiate.

It is estimated that around 40 kinds of blow fish are caught and cultured in Japan, and that 10,000 tonnes are consumed each year. Idiots. I hope they had their list of things to do at the ready. Poisonous parts of fugu differ, depending on the kind of fugu. The fish defend themselves by inflating their bodies to several times their normal size and poisoning their predators – the predators in my view being humans. Righteous justice, I say.

A few other random facts plagiarized from Wikipedia:

Fugu is reported to be one of the main ingredients used in voodoo to turn people into zombies, as tetrodotoxin creates a 'death-like' state.

Fugu is the only delicacy officially forbidden to the Emperor of Japan.

An account from a punter who survived fugu poisoning (If nothing else, read this article).

I was meandering down a backstreet in Tokes when I happened across these piranha-wannabes. Poor fellas.

A Warning for Old Knudsen

2007-01-16T08:20:00.000Z

Keep Smiling, Lasciviously

2007-01-10T06:00:00.000Z

Possibly my favourite Japlish to date:

He lavish smile fleshly.

I have no idea what it means, so it has been highlighted and sent back with a huge, WTF?!

Ha, any interpretations most welcome and I shall try to incorporate them into the document.

Where's Wally?

2007-01-09T11:20:00.000Z

Not sure where Wally is these days, but the cutting-edge funster, Waldo, has put in an appearance in Mel Gibson's Apocalypto, apparently.

I haven't seen Apocalypto and I'm not likely to, as I don't like violent films; I'm more likely to curl up and watch, er, Buffy or Angel. I can't vouch for the authenticity of the clip that has appeared on YouTube, but if you've got nothing better to do with yer day, then check out that subliminal necrophiliac of old, Waldo.

I'm sure Mel has a message he'd like to send the world and many lessons he would like us to learn. In light of this, he also, apparently, made a wee cameo in the trailer for the film looking remarkably like Saddam Hussein. Well, like Saddam looked this time a couple of weeks ago. Not now, possibly.

If you can't be arsed watching the clips, you can always click to enlarge the picture above and spend some quality time finding Waldo. Be warned, however, that it's quite tricky – look-alikes are placed strategically to throw you off yer game and confuse you. And god knows, I'm confused.

The Beautiful are Super Powerful

2007-01-03T13:30:00.000Z

It has been almost a year, but I am still on my quest to find soap that doesn't leave me smelling like a cud rotting in a cow that was culled during the great foot and mouth debacle of 2001.

It is not just for your benefit, dear readers, that I continue this research, although I am all too happy to report new findings for your bathing safety. No, it is for my countrymen that I am so vigilant - so that no one in Tokyo need ever experience again the unwelcome odour of the salaryman. The odour of which I speak is most often encountered in summer, but this crusader will not rest for she wants to ensure an odour-free 2007 summer for all Tokyoites.

In keeping with the high-falutin' throw-the-money-around lifestyle to which I have become accustomed, I was shopping today in the 100yen store. Armed with some stylish, yet practical, mop slippers, I was about to head for the checkout when I was struck by an image: an image so great I knew I had found the holy grail of soap.

This soap gives you Super Powers. Oh yes, bathing with Lux will make you beautiful, and this in turn will give you Super Powers. From the photograph on the packet -- current Tokyo fashion, but circa 1983 for the rest of the world -- one could safely venture that this soap has been sitting on the shelf since Tony Hadley first told me I was indestructible. Gold.

So, for your latest bathing pleasure, I present LUX - Beauty Gives You SUPER POWERS.

Go forth, one and all... bathe, please.

All is Quiet on New Year's Day

2007-01-01T12:37:00.000Z

2007 so far:

Drinking copious amounts of Champagne in various bars around Tokyo - finishing up at Heartland in the 'Pong.

Singing along loudly to The Rocky Horror Picture Show on DVD at 3.00am at a friend's place.

Crashing out fully clothed on their spare bed.

Sleeping off Champagne. Surfacing at around 3.00pm to take dodgy and shaky photo of Azabujuban from their balcony (see above).

Watching ABBA special on TV.

Staggering back to GGHQ.

Eating pasta and drinking mineral water.

Playing on computer.

Not that different from 2006, really. Here's hoping things get more exciting as the year kicks off.

I had to publish this photo as the multi-level expressways are my new obsession. Prepare to be excited as I'll be writing a lot more about them this year. No, no need to thank me - it's the least I can do.

Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu!

2007-01-01T02:00:00.000Z

Happy New Year!

Although I didn't blog much in 2006, it was a lot of fun and I enjoyed getting to know new people through it. I made friendships with other bloggers and I love that I met folk I would not otherwise have met. I feel privileged to have had little glimpses into your lives and have enjoyed witnessing your journeys. Thanks to those of you who continue to stop by and say hi - you make the whole blogging thing worthwhile.

On reflection, 2006 wasn't a highlight in the overall picture of my life. It certainly wasn't an easy year, and it felt like an up-hill struggle most of the time - two steps forward and one step back. I do know, however, that I needed to experience what I did in order to learn the lessons I needed to learn. I now feel stronger and better-equipped to head into 2007 with a sense of positivity and hope, neither of which I could muster in abundance last year.

I don't usually make resolutions, but I have a list of things for 2007 that will address the changes I need to make. My own inner struggles are minimal compared to the current global crisis: conflicts in the Middle East and the lack of resolution; the AIDS epidemic - 1400 people are infected with HIV every day in South Africa alone; poverty; and global warming. I feel I've been sitting by too long and need to contribute to making things better.

The sun and the moon will come together and become bright. This will bring about change, and the opening and dawning of the new year.

I wish all the very best for you.

So This is Christmas

2006-12-26T08:15:00.000Z

Snapped outside Meguro Station on Friday night whilst waiting for a friend. He/she/it/phallic thingy wasn't handing anything out - no flyers, magazines, or political campaign leaflets to be seen - but was just standing there waving and posing for photographs. Well, I think I was the only loser taking pics, but what the hey, I'm a time traveller. And a superhero.

This was my second Christmas in Japan. Most of my friends have gone back to their respective countries for the silly season, so I was swinging solo. Last year, I felt pressure that I had to do something to mark a day that essentially holds no value for me. This year, I didn't feel the pressure to make it into something that doesn't exist for me. The fact that I worked yesterday and today made ignoring the whole thing easy.

We break for a week starting Friday. The New Year period is very important in Japan and is viewed as being an auspicious time. Typically, it is filled with tradition and ceremony, all deeply nuanced, and I have no hope of understanding much of it. I have, however, managed to grasp some basics that don't bode well for GG's 2007.

One is that you don't carry over debts or tasks from the old year to the new year. Feck - I'm doomed. I'm always doomed financially, so there's no digging out of that hole by next Sunday. And the tasks? How many projects did I start this year and not finish? More than you can poke the proverbial stick at. Let's see, I started: a screenplay, learning Japanese, and continued my Italian; started learning html to build websites, how to build a computer, how to install Linux for a dual boot system... And they're just to name a few in a long list. Didn't quite manage to master/complete/build/begin to speak any of them. Ha.

These unfinished tasks may well be a shroud over my karmic energy for the upcoming Year of the Boar (bore?), but I'm happy to wear it if it would get me out of the next accursed tradition:
Total spring clean of your house - in winter.

Apparently I am supposed to clean the house even more rigorously than usual -- which means I'll need to actually clean it, period. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing better than a house purified of its physical and metaphysical blemishes. I just don't want to be the one who has to freakin' do it. Stupid cleaning.

There was also something about making decorations, but I'm no Martha Stewart. I'll chuck a basket of pine cones by the front door, cross my fingers, click my heels together three times, and hope for the best. Wish me luck.

And what have you done?

All About Meme

2006-12-14T15:23:00.001Z

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

George W. Bush

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

Paris Hilton. OK, technically, she is not an artist or a musician, but she has released some warbling CD, although even if she hadn't, she should be destroyed already.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Andie McDowell - the most annoying woman on the planet.

4. What is your favorite cheese?

Gorgonzola!

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?

Chicken schnitzel, lettuce, tomato, avocado, tasty cheese on sourdough. With butter and mayonnaise.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

David Beckham (and I don't want to hear you pedants saying he's not a movie celebrity. This is my fantasy so I'll pick who I like)

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?

Robbie Williams

8. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

Put it towards dinner for Dave and Robbie, so they can regain their strength.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Scotland

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?

Take Dave and Robbie to the nearest pub. Hey, can I help it if the boys tagged along coz they can't get enough of me?

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?

Moet & Chandon. What else, darling?

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?

I would travel to London, circa 1665, after Charles II was restored to the English throne. I would go to Whitehall and eat, drink and be merry in the bawdy society he created after the boring puritanical rule of Oliver Cromwell. I would go and see the plays of Dryden, Congreve and Wycherley. My wig would be bigger, better, higher and whiter than anyone else's. I would wear gorgeous gowns, show off my impressive cleavage and flirt outrageously. I would be very, very drunk. Good times. When do I leave?

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

I am she who must be obeyed.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise?

It's called Gaijin Girl Strikes Again. Its premise is the sorry existence of an Australian woman in Japan who resorts to blogging stupid memes to entertain herself. But then she meets two guys, Dave and Robbie, and moves to Scotland and lives happily ever after with her two fellas in a grand old castle. With minions.

15. What is your favorite curse word?

I don't curse; I find it highly offensive.

16. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the item?

My computer, which would be an absolute cunt to get out of the house, as I've got a fucking, bloody desktop. It's a piece of shite crap, but I can't live without the motherfucker. Arse!

17. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Tell them to stop just standing around my bed like freaks, as I'm paying them by the hour, and to get back to work cleaning GGHQ.

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

Why wait? Bite me already.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?

I become the next Slayer.

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Sitting on a rowboat after midnight on Loch Morag in Scotland. A fit Scottish army bloke was rowing and I had a glass of red wine in my hand to warm me from the freezing air. It was a full moon and a piper was standing on another boat not far away, piping his tunes. The haunting sounds echoed through the glen and the moonlight reflected off the loch. One of the most magical moments of my life.

21.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

I have blocked all horrible experiences from my accessible memory. No wait ... there was that Pseudo Echo concert back in 1984. That's gotta go.

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-travelling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But you can move to anywhere else in the world! What country are you going to live in now?

I'm going to stay in Scotland with Dave and Robbie because I'm a time-travelling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. Try and stop me.

23. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?

None, because I'm a time-travelling heathen who drinks and sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. Try and stop me drinking in any establishment I want an' I'll kick yer sorry arse.

24. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Suddenly, you have gained the ability to float. Who are you going to show this to first?

Float? What sort of dumb-arse question is this? I can already float. You learn that just before you learn freestyle. I showed my mum first!

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?

Beethoven. He deserves all those royalties after living as a pauper all his life, even though he created the most beautiful music I have ever heard. Plus, he might fancy composing some more music.

26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

Hard call. I'd be hesitant to bring back anyone in case they came back 'wrong' like Buffy did. It didn't matter with Beethoven as he was already mad as a cut snake. Or just deaf.

27. What’s your theme song?

Dancing Queen, by Abba.

28. Who’s up next?

If you’re reading this and you have a blog – you’re tagged. And if you're reading this and you don't have a blog you're still tagged, so either: (a) set up a blog, or (b) email me your answers to the meme.

Autumn Leaves. Then Winter Comes...

2006-12-13T13:08:00.000Z

My photographic representation of an impressionist painting.

Last Sunday, while four states in Australia had bushfires burning out of control, and Melbourne had a high of over 42 degrees Celsius and a thick blanket of smoke hovering over the state, I popped along to look at the fiery colours of the leaves in Yoyogi Park. The park is one of the largest in Tokyo and, including Meiji Shrine, covers a land area of approximately 175,000 acres - a mini forest in the middle of Tokes. It felt like being in bushland in Australia and it was rejuvenating to wander along the paths and soak in the energy from the trees and plants. It was so quiet and peaceful. I couldn't help but think of the firestorms at home and how people are losing their homes and livelihood and how hectares of natural bushland and many species of wildlife are being destroyed.

Click the photos to enlarge.

Wandered around the shrine to pay my respects to the Emperor Meiji and his wife Empress Shoken, who died in 1912 and 1914, respectively. Meiji Shrine was built to honour them.

Walking to the beat of my own (gigantic) drum

I'm not sure what this tree is called, or even what kind of tree it is, as we all know what a shite tour guide I am. I'll call it the prayer tree because people write their prayers down and leave them here. I am nothing, if not a literal lass.

Perhaps you could spare a thought or a prayer to your deity of choice for the people fighting the bushfires in Australia.

I Was AWOL, But Have Returned With a Whiny Vengeance!

2006-12-12T09:30:00.000Z

I think this is the longest I've gone without posting some crud or other. Cheers to those of you who have continued to stop by in the vain hope that I have left a morsel for you to nibble on, a cyber crumb, a mere taster of the glorious posts to come. Fools. You're on the wrong freakin' blog. Thanks for the comments and emails, though, inquiring about my possible demise - I'm back to say, I'm alive and still drinking.

It's been a funny couple of months. I applied for a job in London in October and had a phone interview for it last week. I have wanted to get my arse back to the UK for years, so I was ecstatic to get an interview with a company that would sort all the visa details. Bugger: despite the fact I completely faffed the interview, I won't accept the job even on the off chance they offer it to me (find out next week) as it's not quite the opportunity I thought it was. In the epoch between the application and finding out more about the job in the interview, I mentally left Japan. In my mind I was walking the streets of London, kicking up the papers, with my worn out shoes... Hey! Hang on. That scenario is all wrong. In my mind, I was kicking up the papers with a pair of brand spankin' new heels. Why? Because I could find feckers that fit. Indeed, I was dreaming of a whole new wardrobe of smart clothes that fit, not the tatty threads I wear here. In winter. In my dream I could read street signs and could understand the conversations of the folk around me. I was wondering if it would be like being deaf and suddenly getting your hearing back - would I be overwhelmed by the influx of voices and words that I could actually comprehend? I'm so used to walking around in my own world and have got used to blocking out the foreign sounds. Yet when I hear English speakers in a context where I'm not expecting it, the sounds are grating and don't fit in with the flow of the humming sounds around me. In my dream, I wasn't worried about earthquakes and fretting about how pear-shaped things would be if there was a natural disaster, not only due to the, er, natural disaster, but also because of my Japanese language lack. I was imagining living in a country where I could meet blokes that don't have a 'thing' for Asian chicks. Gaijin girls may as well be invisible here and that doesn't do much for one's confidence. It does work out for some girls, but it gets tedious living somewhere where the odds are stacked against you from the start.

Ah, I have a dream...

And that is to leave the Clown. Working for that man is depressing and soul destroying. A big part of coming to Japan was to try to get work with an international company so I could eventually live in the UK. The interview last week was the end of that dream as I decided that if it didn't work out (which it didn't) I would go back to Melbourne. I looked around my apartment at the stuff I've accumulated in my time here and got to work. And when I say apartment, I mean room. But I like my room - it's GG Headquarters, the control centre and thriving hub of... well, nothing really; I just like calling it GGHQ. I started sorting through stuff and throwing out anything I had no need for, which was basically most of it. Then, in a strange turn of events, I met a friend for lunch on Sunday. That in itself was not strange - I often meet friends for lunch. What was strange was her idea to get me a job in the finance company where she works. GG in finance, eh? I laughed hard. The irony was not lost on me as I am in debt up to my eyeballs and live week to week on a pitiful salary that would make the kiddies in the sweatshops guffaw before they were forced back to work for taking an unauthorised break from their drudgery. I can't see it working out somehow, as there is nothing remotely finance-like in my background, but I'll go for it and if that doesn't pan out then watch out Melbourne...

GG's coming home.

Look at the Pretty Handbag!

2006-11-07T06:24:00.000Z

Er, I mean, building.
In Ikebukuro.

Update: I've started walking to and from work, and I pass through many completely different landscapes. It's too dark to get any decent pics, but here are a couple from this eve...

My nephew was recently in Japan on a homestay and he commented that the cars here are really square. Or something. I personally have absolutely no interest in cars, and they could be oblong and bedazzled for all I'd notice. Anyway, this is for Ben - some sparkling, shiny (square?) taxis.

Then a casual meander down a thoroughfare in Ikebukuro. The street is comparatively empty and the photo doesn't do it justice, as you don't hear the music blaring from loudspeakers, people talking into their mobile phones, and the blast of noise from pachinko parlours. Nor do you get the whole benefit of all the neon and flashing lights...

The station is the hardest part to get through as there are simply so many freakin' people, and I've yet to work out my route around it. However, once I'm through, the transformation to quiet, tradional looking streets is remarkable. Until a train whizzes by...

Hear Me Purr ... Before I Roar

2006-11-01T12:00:00.000Z

I used to be surprised when people told me that they thought I was tough and scary when they first met me. Then they were surprised after they got to know me and realised that I am just a softie, and that they didn't see the kittycat for the lion. I mean, yeah, I'm strong, but that doesn't make me tough. Far from it. But I am a Leo, so I actually can be ferocious when it comes to protecting people I care about or standing up for the rights of those who can't stand up for themselves.

Animals can't stand up for themselves a lot of the time. Not against the human animals, anyway. I read something recently and I've copied some of it below, or you can read the whole thing on the BBC website.

A cat is recovering after an attack in which fireworks were taped to its side and set off.
The animal was found on Sunday morning suffering from substantial burns to its side and covered in masking tape.
The young, male cat was rushed to an emergency veterinary clinic for immediate medical treatment.
Christina Harkness, the vet who cared for the cat, said: "We are very pleased that he has survived this ordeal, as the attack could have quite easily killed him.
Natalie Smart, spokeswoman for the Scottish SPCA, said attacks of this sort happen every year in the run up to bonfire night.
A Lothian and Borders Police spokeswoman appealed for the cat's owner to come forward.
She said: "Fireworks in the wrong hands are dangerous, but in this case, could have been fatal for both the animal involved, and those who were abusing them."
This incident comes a year after a cat was attacked with fireworks and thrown onto a bonfire in Hamilton.

Some of you reading the above might think that's kinda funny; the visual in your head might make you chuckle quietly to yourself. Some of you might hate cats and think they deserve no better. If you fall into either of these categories then fuck off now. I cried and cried when I read that horrible story, and now I'm mad as hell.

I happen to love cats. I used to have one -- she was my best mate for the five years we were together. But more than that, I just love animals. They are pure of heart. And how any human has the capacity or desire to want to taint that, or harm or hurt them in any way, is completely beyond my comprehension.

People like Natalie Smart, who work for organisations like the Scottish SPCA, deserve respect. They must have amazing strength to deal with what animal rescuers/workers must see week after week … year after year. The same shit, the same brutality and cruelty towards creatures that are unable to protect themselves, and the utter meaninglessness of the acts. Whichever way you look at it, it's cruel and it's sadistic. It can't be sport or fun to see a wee critter suffer, it’s just some fucked-up person’s idea of power. I am also amazed that the spokeswoman finds it within herself to worry that the acts might have been fatal for those inflicting them. That's big. I say knock yourselves out. Blow your heads off and your lives away. Just leave the animals out of your sick games.

Mum and Dad took all six of us (daughters) trout fishing when we were kids. Dad was so disappointed whenever he caught something because we all cried and made him throw the fish back in the water. We thought it was mean to take them out of the water and have them flop around gasping for air. It's that old argument again - nurture or nature? Were we brought up to be compassionate and respectful of other people and creatures -- fish, in this case -- or was it inherent in our natures from birth? Either way, it's nothing that parents can't try to instill in their children, and I'm wondering what the fuck the parents of these (presumably) kids have been doing to teach and set an example about how to treat, and not treat, animals and each other.

There's nothing to learn from this post. No insight to be gained. I just needed to vent. In a way, I feel defeated. I don't know what to do to make things better for animals and at the moment I feel the burden of the stupidity and innate cruelty of humanity weighing me down. It's all about education and that's up to parents, and it’s also up to the community to reinforce that most basic of practices – respect for fellow creatures.

--
Why not bookmark The Animal Rescue Site and click on the Fund Food for Animals button daily to help feed the animals that are in shelters or sanctuaries. It takes two seconds from your day.

GG - The Ugly Stepsister

2006-10-31T02:30:00.000Z

It's been raining a lot over the last month or six. And I don't mean rain like that half-arsed drizzle that gently falls over most of Britain all the time; I mean bucketing down, torrential rain that washes away the little old people that always seem to be getting washed away in my posts. Where do they all keep coming from?

Anyways, due to the freakin' incessant rain, I discovered that none of my shoes are waterproof, which means the majority of my days have been spent with the indignity and discomfort of wet socks. Nothing is more annoying -- except the fact that my feet are one centimetre bigger than the largest female shoe size sold in Japan (yes, the shoes sizes here are in centimetres). If they sell them in my size, I have yet to find them.

I'd love to say that I bought a pair of strappy, stiletto type shoes, but the sad reality is that I probably won't find any, unless I happen upon a shop that sells footwear to drag queens. Plus, I live in runners (sneakers/trainers) and stilettos wouldn't help as I do my mad dash to work every morning. And I really don't need the extra height. I stand out enough as it is.

Last night, I played the ugly stepsister and was trying to squeeze my foot into a cool pair of Skechers when the shop assistant very politely pushed me in the direction of the mens department. With a red face, and hanging my head in shame, I skulked down the stairs. Fortunately, there was a very genki guy there who spoke enough English to help me out and seemed sympathetic to my plight. They didn't have any Skechers in that male bastion, but I bounced out in a similar-looking pair of runners. Men's runners.

To crucify myself further, I popped into Zara to drool over some fabulous winter coats and dresses -- none of which fit. Er, why I am here again?

Crisis in the US!

2006-10-22T14:05:00.000+01:00

This just in from News.com.au. Bloody hell! They can take away my lip gloss, and they can take away my books, but I'm buggered if I'll let them take away my Vegemite. (OK, in actuality, no one is getting my lip gloss or my books off me, but you get the drift.)

There's no accounting for taste

THE US has banned Vegemite, even to the point of searching Australians for jars of the spread when they enter the country.

The bizarre crackdown was prompted because Vegemite has been deemed illegal under US food laws.

The great Aussie icon - faithfully carried around the world by travellers from downunder - contains folate, which under a technicality, America allows to be added only to breads and cereals.

Australian expatriates in the US said enforcement of the ban had been gradually stepped up and was now ruining lifelong traditions of Vegemite on toast for breakfast.

Kraft spokeswoman Joanna Scott said: "The (US) Food and Drug Administration doesn't allow the import of Vegemite simply because the recipe does have the addition of folic acid.''

The US was "a minor market'' for Vegemite, she said.

In Harajuku

2006-10-22T11:55:00.000+01:00

Does this need a caption or does the photo speak for itself?

--
Thanks to Lee who snapped this when he came to visit last year.

New Addiction to Polls.

2006-10-17T09:57:00.000+01:00

The Poll

2006-10-17T06:55:00.000+01:00

Please note that I deleted the original post here, as it was serving no purpose and was not furthering the greater good of mankind in any way. OK, so none of this crud does, but this was a particularly vile projectile of hatred towards Blogger and Internet Explorer, neither of which will change because I rant about how fucking useless they are.

I also thought the original post may confuse newcomers who are drawn in against their will by the spunky new avatar on GGSA. Despite my not being able to place the poll in the sidebar (which was the cause of my rage), you can vote here as to whether you think the blog photo should stay.

Thank you and please call again.

Am I a Skanky Ho? Vote Now.

2006-10-17T03:28:00.000+01:00

The lovely Vernicious Knids commented that my new avatar (blog photo) is 'very sensual'. I haven't quite decided if I like it yet, so I am running a little poll as to whether it should stay on the blog.

I found the pic on a poster website and thought it looked very 'arty' and that the colours would suit the GGSA colour scheme, or lack thereof. However, since seeing it on other peoples' sites where I have left comments, I now think it looks kinda slutty and it has lost its art-like appeal. (Yes, I'm a serial commenter and think it's polite to leave a comment if you're reading something that someone has put time and effort into creating. And yes, that is a dig at all of you who never comment.) Now I can't decide if I should keep the avatar or not. I know the old man likes it, but he also finds this attractive, so I can't entirely trust his judgment.

I have always had an idea about the photo I wanted for the blog, but I reckon I'll probably leave Japan before I get it sorted. Additionally, the next chapter in GGSA may well involve me wearing a kilt, and gaijin girl might be transformed into gaelic girl.

Vote now! Choose your answer from the drop-down list in the box on the right and/or leave a comment below. I need feedback, people.

--
Update: OK, I give up. Here's the easy option. Click here to go to the poll. Can't believe I even bothered persevering with this.

Because He's Worth It

2006-10-16T08:19:00.000+01:00

Found this photo while randomly surfing the other day. No, I had not put "I love David Beckham" into a search engine. Really.

I'm posting this simply because he looks so damn fine.

GG's Top Ten List...

2006-10-16T04:50:00.000+01:00

of things that piss her off at work:

1. We don't have a lunchroom or staffroom, so we eat at our desks. The repulsive symphony of slurping starts at around 11.00am and continues well into the afternoon. And I don't mean you're vaguely aware that someone is having lunch somewhere; I mean you have no choice but to be assaulted by the cacophonous sound of someone slurping their slop from the other side of the room even though you're wearing headphones and have the music at full volume.

1. The smell in the office. Due to the above point, the office reeks of the nauseating stench of rotting fish.

1. Receiving emails from co-workers. This in itself is not a problem. The problem is that the person who sent it then walks over to my desk to tell me that they have just sent me an email. They then stand and wait and look over my shoulder as I open said email. More often than not, I have already read the email, saved the document and started working on it, but this does not deter the eejit from then telling me exactly what they have already written in the email. This makes me see red.

1. Co-workers who insist upon telling me that they have received my emails. Every time I send one. I tried to end that stupidity by attaching a 'request read receipt' to the email, but the person then just walked over to tell me that they had just sent me the 'read receipt' and would stand and wait and look over my shoulder as I opened said 'read receipt'. By this time, I am livid.

1. Monday morning clean up. We are responsible for keeping our own desks and surrounding area clean, as the Clown is too much of a tight wad to pay for a cleaner. He shuffles around and watches us pretend to clean - there's a lot of busyness, but nothing is being done efficiently.*

1. Shuffling! Why can't people lift their fucking feet? It's an absolute disgrace and there's no excuse for dragging your heels about the place.

1. People who have perfected looking busy as an artform, while they are essentially doing nothing and are just wasting time with their inability to focus on what needs to be done.

1. Answering the same question ten times in a row. You asked me, I answered you - no need to go over it again as my answer will be the same no matter how many different ways you word the question.

1. People literally running around the office. Need to get that fax from the machine? Just sprint over there before the paper disappears back into the strange contraption. I have nearly been bowled over by pint-sized people who suddenly appear at top speed from behind partitions, around corners and through doorways. No mean feat, as I am almost double their height. And a superhero.

1. People knocking the back of my chair as they walk past. If you could see the huge space behind me, you would agree that there is absolutely no reason in a rational world why this would happen.

1. The Clown hacking up his lungs and coughing. He usually wears a facemask, but appears to have decided that he doesn't care if we're witness to his bushman's hanky.

1. A co-worker who clears his throat loudly and incessantly. I timed him the other day and he was barking every 45 seconds on average. (He is also guilty of being one of the major slurping culprits.)

1. Excessive and blinding fluorescent lighting.

1. The random yet very oft-occurring teeth cleaning that takes place in the kitchenette.

I was rewriting something the other day and came across sick building syndrome, which I had never heard of before, but perfectly describes the general sense of malaise in this office. A guy I used to work with once said that this company is where gaijin go to die. He may well be right.

* As I write this, the third different person in as many minutes has just wiped down the table next to me.

Animal Behaviour

2006-10-15T15:15:00.000+01:00

at Ueno Zoo today. Starting with a tiny gibbon...

Another Meme

2006-10-10T15:45:00.000+01:00

Thanks to Vernicious Knids from whom I pilfered this meme! Here's wotcha do:

Grab the book nearest to you and open to page twelve
Find the third sentence
Then find the fourth word in that sentence
Do a Google image search on that word only, choose the fifth image and post the resulting picture to your blog, along with your search word and these tips so others can join the party.

I can't believe I got this picture for the word in the book when all the images surrounding it were so much better.

The book: The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying - Sogyal Rinpoche

Prize goes to the person who can guess the search word... and no cheating.

Crivvens!

2006-10-08T08:30:00.000+01:00

In further news about men and their balls, the team from my spiritual home, Scotland, threw its leg over France to win 1-0 in its tap-dancing journey to attain the aesthetically challenged World Cup trophy.

Check out interviews with the man of the moment, Gary Caldwell, who is such a sweetie, and Scotland's manager, Walter Smith. I was really struck by both blokes' understated and self-effacing attitudes.

I also had to giggle when Smith referred to the win as 'lovely' and that they were all 'delighted'. Aww, bless!

Apparently, there was also a grand prix and some tennis tournament happening here in Japan, but this roving reporter has absolutely no interest in either, so get those updates elsewhere.

--
ER, UPDATE: Because I'm a dickhead, I mixed up the competitions. The match wasn't anything to do with the World Cup, but was for UEFA Euro 2008, the trophy for which is suitably trophy-like. Who the hell has ever heard of that, anyway? Hey, I never said I followed football, I was brought up on cricket.

Disclaimer: The author (aka GG) of this post, previous posts, and any future posts, is not responsible for errors caused by general cluelessness and laziness regarding research. If you spot previously alluded to errors, do the author a favour and keep them to yourself.

That One Day in October

2006-10-02T01:50:00.000+01:00

I'm so contrary. I was a committed smoker in Australia for over twenty years, even though it became practically impossible to smoke anywhere. Now that I can smoke anywhere and they cost about $3.00 a pack, I decide to stop smoking.

And today's the day.

Big yay!

A Quiet Sunday Afternoon and Subsequent Boring Post

2006-10-01T09:35:00.000+01:00

I've been wondering where one of my little grey socks went, and assumed it had travelled to the land of little grey socks. Just popped outside to put on a load of washing (even superheroes need clean smalls) and saw that it was on the ground. Yay. (And yes, it's freaking raining again.) Went to pick it up and noticed this monster on it. I think it's a moth of some sort. A very big moth of some sort.

Needless to say, the sock remains where it is.

I think the look on Big Bad Barry Hall's face kinda sums up the mood at GG Headquarters today. I took this from the big screen at the embassy yesterday.

One Moment to the Next

2006-09-30T13:09:00.000+01:00

Sydney lost by one point. One fucking point!

Everyone was going out for dinner afterwards, but I declined because I wanted to come home and scribble. Not stuff for the blog. Other stuff.

But, as I made my way home, basic sentences were forming in my head:

"I got on the subway at Azabu-juban and got off at Yoyogi to change to the Yamanote line. I followed the JR signs to get to the overground railway but couldn't find it. This pissed me off because my feet were sore from standing all afternoon while I drank champagne, watched an amazing game of football, and met a heap of great people. I walked for what felt like hours until I began to recognise the scenery around me; I had walked a whole stop and was in Shinjuku. I was still pissed off, with myself, because, for the entire time I was trudging about, I had no idea where I was or even what direction I was heading in."

I figured that I would transform the above sentences into a funny story when I got home. GG stuffs up... blah, blah, blah. Pretty fucking funny, eh? She gets lost again. Who gives a fuck?

I was so relieved to be home. Kicked off my shoes, heated some food in the microwave and put on some daggy clothes, so I could settle in and be comfy when writing what was on my mind.

Checked my emails and was so excited to see one from my darling Sean in Melbourne. He told me that a woman we know hanged herself yesterday.

The Festival of the Boot

2006-09-30T02:40:00.000+01:00

In just under three hours, the Australian Rules Football Grand Final will kick off in Melbourne. Like the crowds who used to frequent the Colosseum, punters demand a fight from their heroes, their demi-gods, and they are not satisfied until they see blood in the fight-til-the-death battle. In a repeat of last year's match, teams from New South Wales and Western Australia will run around after a pigskin, beat each other up, and brawl in the melee we like to refer to as AFL.

To get to the Grand Final, the West Coast Eagles pushed a lot of other blokes out of the way to get the ball (in what I think was rather a girly fashion, like something I'd do),
while the Sydney Swans confounded their opponents, who couldn't keep up with their spectacular demonstration of ballet's fifth position.
Although I'm not in Australia, I still like to celebrate this eventful day. Like last year, Jim-Bob secured us invites to the Australian Embassy to watch the game on the big screen and to eat Four'n'Twenty pies and drink fine Australian sparkling wine (we're not allowed to call it champagne anymore). The only downside is that I'll miss hearing Roy and HG call the game. I've been listening to their podcasts recently when out and about, and have received some strange looks as I guffaw in laughter at their bullshit.

Go Swans!

--
Photos courtesy of RealFooty.

All Seasons

2006-09-28T02:33:00.000+01:00

It's amazing what a difference 24-hours can make. This isn't the prettiest view of Tokyo by any means, but I just wanted to show how there was no sunshine yesterday.

Hehe, I kill me.

Portia de Rossi and I are 83% Similar

2006-09-27T14:03:00.000+01:00

I know some of you out there are dead keen to know what I look like. Rather than post a photo of my sweet self here, I thought I'd give you a little glimpse of how the glamourous GG appears to the casual observer. The program scanned a photo of Yours Truly and matched my face with its vast database of celebrities. I tried it with two photos: one of them matched 80% with Raquel Welch. Haha, ahem. And this one was 83% with pretty Portia.

Personally, I'm surprised they didn't match me with Wilma Flintstone. I think I look like a scrawny cartoon character in this pic.

The things I do for you.

Clearing out my Phone

2006-09-19T14:05:00.000+01:00

It's never too late for a spring clean, so I'm deleting the photos in my phone. Rather than ditch the old pics, I thought I'd post some of them here for posterity. Or is it prosperity? Whatever.
Once again, sorry for the lame photos. I'll get some gorgeous autumn shots when the leaves change colour.

Starting with the old, here's part of the Imperial Palace, if you can see it in that light.

Some temples around Asakusa.

Very rare to see an empty train around these parts, ne? This was on the way to the airport,

after a wee, cheeky visit to Prada.

The bright lights of Shinjuku...

and the Oompa Loompas in Hiroo last Christmas.

And finally, a bird's eye view from the fire escape at work. The tall building is the Sunshine Building in Ikebukuro. I took this last summer, when it was actually hot and sunny and... summer. Not this never-ending continuation of the rainy season.

True Love?

2006-09-08T08:31:00.000+01:00

If I had a bike and any money, I would be wooing this man instead of writing about it.

I think this is one of the sweetest things I've seen in a long time. Good luck to him.

Lots of Pillows!

2006-09-08T06:32:00.000+01:00

Continuing the theme of all things gimmicky, I recently checked out Asia de Cushion in Shinjuku after reading a review about it in Metropolis. How could I resist the lure of shag carpet, heaps of cushions, drapes seductively separating the booths, and sunken tables that provided enough privacy to play footsies. To say nothing of GG's best friend: candlelight.

The bar was empty when we first arrived, but was full by the time we left.

A long table runs the length of the room, and private booths are curtained off on either side.

The food was delicious, the wine cool enough to quench even my thirst and the service impeccable. The wander back to the station in the humid 27-degree heat at 10.30pm was made bearable by a serving of frozen fruit from a streetside stand.

Er, not from this streetside stand, though. I didn't get a photo of the frozen fruit. But it was good.

His Message.

2006-09-05T06:55:00.000+01:00

The last thing that rambunctious Steve Irwin, a.k.a. the television star affectionately known as the 'Crocodile Hunter' cares about is image. Not his own, nor the obvious criticism that Irwin's image of the Australian male is somewhat stereotypical.

"I've never thought that, mate, never procrastinated. You know what? I'm too busy for all of that. I don't stop and dwell on ANYTHING," Irwin insists. "I'm a wildlife warrior through and through and I KNOW what I've gotta do, I'm very proud of what I do and I'll die doin' it. And basically, mate, I don't give a rip what anybody thinks; I DO NOT CARE. I've got a message that's goin' out to 500,000,000 people right now, this moment on the television, and crikey, who knows how many people will watch the movie. I've got more important things to think about than what others think of me."

Oh, and while he appears to be a typical Aussie, there's one thing that sets him apart from your average Australian bloke. "I don't drink and isn't that what Australians are known for?" he laughingly questions.

Irwin has been fighting for animal conservation now for over a decade and remains fiercely optimistic. "What I'm currently seeing with my own eyes is fantastic, mate. I think global awareness in terms of conservation is really starting to come into the fore of people's brains, rather than the arse. That's exciting, and I'm seeing quite a massive global push towards wildlife conservation."

----

Click for the full article and photo, courtesy of The Girl

Musings on a Friday Afternoon

2006-09-01T08:40:00.000+01:00

I think this guy should run for president. He needs no build-up from me - his article speaks for itself. Mark Twain said, 'Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't'. This quote came to mind as I read the article, and what it documents seems to be so impossible, so implausible, that it should be fiction. But it's stranger than that.

Just the other day, I was thinking that if this happened, the world could slowly be put to rights without that criminal clowning about. It seems I'm not the only one.

Fatman and Friends

2006-08-29T02:56:00.000+01:00

And so a jolly evening was had with a Bemused Sage, a Mellow Spendthrift, a Local Chick and, at his own insistence, a Dumb, Lovable Fatman.

The plan was innocent enough - meet at Bond in Hiroo for a couple of drinks, then head to Absolut Icebar for our reserved 45-minute session to drink as much as humanly possible in minus 5 degree temperatures. As the boys were in Tokyo on their way through to Vladivostok, I figured vodka and sub-zero conditions were suitable training for their time in Siberia, and a humid Tokyo night was not going to cut it. Yup, this place was made of ice. Ice walls, ice bar, benches, glasses...

We actually arrived on time and were immediately swathed in silver capes with a (faux) fur-edged hood, which was totally my reason for wanting to check the bar out. Nothing screams superhero more than a silver cape with a (faux) fur-edged hood. And if you're a regular reader of this drivel, you'll know that I aspire to superhero-dom. Black gloves hung off the sides of the superhero capes - the better to clutch your iceglass... and the better to protect your tender mitts, my dear.

The light shimmered on the ice and we all looked like silver spectres drifting in and out of sight. Or maybe it was because I wasn't wearing my glasses and kept losing everyone as they kept running back to the bar. I have no idea how many drinks we managed in the limited time, but they certainly warmed up the nipply bits, as did the cape. There was a pattern to the frenzy: drink, take photos, drink, more photos. For the curious souls reading this, here's Fat (left) and I (right)... duh, like you can't tell.

We were then booted out, so we piled into a couple of taxis to Roppongi. I was clueless as to where to take them next, but thought we'd try Mogambo. The link shows the generous folk who have stepped behind the bar to ring the bell, which signals to the bar staff that you're buying shots for everyone. For your generosity, you are rewarded with a tacky Polaroid stuck up on the roof or wall, which is exactly what Fatman wanted to do. The Bemused Sage and the Mellow Spendthrift duly presented their wallets, while GG demurred. My insistence that it was a dumb idea, and that I barely had enough money for a taxi home, were not well received.

A mass-exodus ensued and I was deemed a shite tour guide for not having learnt any Japanese (Fat is fluent), for not knowing where we were going at any given time, and for then picking a crappy bar. My only protest at this point was that they've read my blog and I have never proclaimed to be anything but useless. I moodily muttered that Fat could find his own freakin' fun, so he did just that. After wandering for a while, we all stumbled into a biker bar, High Riders, (which is a great name as there is a lot, and I mean A LOT, of high-ridin' trouser activity happening in Tokyo and it ain't pretty.)

This is where my narrative stalls somewhat as the flashbacks become quite random. I remember drinking whisky. I remember the Mellow Spendthrift excitedly spending a huge wad of cash on a very heavy bike jacket, which I'm sure he is bitterly bemoaning the presence of, as he lugs it across Siberia. I have a sinking feeling he may not have realised how much it cost due to my generally confused state and inability to successfully convert yen into Australian dollars. Ah, erm... there should have been another 4 zeros in that conversion. Ahem.

My memory returns when I'm whizzing around Tokyo on the back of a motorbike. I think I casually (drunkenly) mentioned (pleaded) to the owner of the bar that I would love a ride on his bike, fully expecting him to tell me to piss off. However, I had forgotten about that cultural difference whereby Japanese consider it rude to say no, let alone piss off. The poor bastard probably figured he had no choice but to oblige. We went zooming into the night, zipping in and out of traffic, and eventually around the base of Tokyo Tower, which looked just magical.

Then, after a few more whiskys in the bar, I yelled farewell to Fatman and friends as they took off in a taxi. I stumbled home at about 3.00am and woke in the morning with that wonderful feeling you have when you know you've woken before the alarm has had a chance to jolt you from your slumber. I rolled over in a rather languid fashion and shrieked to see that it was 10.00am. I was at my desk at work by 11.00, with 8500 words to proof by the end of the day, with makeup from the night before smeared across my face, and the stale stench of whisky permeating the air around me. Good day.

To the three travelling stooges, I raise my whisky to you. Cheers for an evening I won't forget, well, except for those bits I've already forgotten. I so wish I was on that train with you.

Godspeed.

* Hamish, be very, very afraid. They're coming your way and I hear you're on their hit list.

More Crud Photos...

2006-08-22T09:12:00.000+01:00

from the Azabu-Juban Festival on Sunday.

Our meeting place was right near the stage. After everyone arrived, most of us quickly moved on due to the incessant bleating of these J-Pop girls. Their high-pitched squealing was enough to test a saint, but the guys stuck around as they insisted their kiddies were enjoying dancing to the music. Hehe, right.

We decided to take a casual saunter down the road. Nothing like an afternoon out with a few of the locals.

We passed heaps of food stalls, most of which seemed to be selling this stuff - octopus balls, I think. I took pity on this poor dude as it was so hot, and I imagine especially so in his little makeshift kitchen.

We wandered further and, joy oh joy, came across a stand selling champagne. A few bottles later, we were all dancing around the maypole, albeit a tad woozily.

The festival ended with Taiko drumming. I am so learning how to do this as it totally rocks, and it was definitely the highlight of the day.

The wives and mothers took the kiddies home and I hit the 'Pong with the lads. When will I learn?

Insult to Injury

2006-08-18T08:12:00.000+01:00

There are few things in life that make me see red more than spam*. As a general rule, I can deal, as I have a ridiculously convoluted and unnecessarily complex system whereby mail from most of my 14 accounts is forwarded to the 'mothership' account where it is sorted, filtered, labelled and even eventually sent to my phone if I am away from a computer for a significant period of time (ie more than 15 minutes).

Recently, however, the mothership has somehow been infiltrated and I have been receiving huge amounts of spam. Generally I ignore it, but this subject header didn't fail to capture my attention:

Just because you're ugly, doesn't mean you won't get laid again.

Since when did spam start delivering personal insults and prophecies of doom? I thought it was all about making things bigger and better and longer lasting - all delivered with promises of riches and magic greater than we could possibly imagine - not this personal affront upon my being.

Feckers.

* Contact me for the full list of things that completely piss me off. You won't be sorry.

News Update

2006-08-08T04:50:00.000+01:00

Richard Valeriani has summed it up beautifully in The Huffington Post.

The Big Fella

2006-08-04T13:00:00.000+01:00

Visited Kamakura to check out the beach and the Great Buddha - the second largest in Japan at a height of 13.35 metres and built around the middle of the twelfth century. He originally lived in a hall, but a tsunami washed away his accommodation at the end of the fifteenth century. His tarnished bronze figure now rests outdoors in the temple grounds.

It was lovely to stroll the quiet, peaceful surroundings and get away from Tokyo's insanity.

I didn't take any pics of the beach as it wasn't terribly attractive with its grey volcanic sand. It was also very littered with rubbish and it looked as though a shanty town was being built on the sand. Apparently, work begins in early June to construct about 10 restaurants / food stalls and massage shacks and the little shanty town is referred to as... Little Thailand! The huts are then ripped down on September 1st - I guess when the 'official' beach season is over.

However, it was glorious to be near the water again and to feel and smell the sea air.

Spectacular, spectacular.

Feeding the Beast

2006-07-31T02:14:00.000+01:00

I had to link to this as the insanity continues. I really don't want to read these articles, but find I can't resist. Oh, the horror.

Now I'm sharing it with you. I'm not sure what that says about me and I don't think I want to know.

It was only a Matter of Time...

2006-07-28T08:45:00.000+01:00

I recently found a copy of The Very Best of Kiss in a friend's CD collection. It was cleverly hidden away at the back of a cupboard, under a stack of magazines, covered by a mountain of blankets, in a bunker ten feet underground and guarded by Alsations. I fought my way through to get to it, and it was worth every scratch, bite and eye-gouge. Although the dogs may not think so.

The immortal songs are now in my iPod. There have been some close calls out in public when I feel the irrepressible need to pump the air with my fist or sing falsetto, but I have managed to restrain myself. Thus far.

wtf?!

2006-07-27T03:51:00.000+01:00

This would have to be the most talked about unborn baby in the world. Every time I read The Age, Rowe is crapping on about her baby.

It must have been a helluva slow news week to report that story, and with such excruciating moment-by-moment detail. Who gives a shit!

Not Enough Red!

2006-07-15T06:55:00.000+01:00

After looking at the tiny amount of red on this map, there's no way I can go back to Australia. I still have way too much to see. Hm, where to next?

Create your own visited countries map

Lost in Translation?

2006-07-14T16:45:00.000+01:00

You don't need to be in Japan to not understand the locals...

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets a patient. The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

Not Living in Tokyo

2006-07-13T07:53:00.000+01:00

Naturally, being a foreigner in Japan can be difficult at times. Further to the previous post, here are some of the things I won't miss when I go home:

Insanely high levels of humidity, which mean
Very, very bad frizzy hair. I can't wait to be in a country that has proper voltage so I can use a proper hairdryer and straighteners. I'm sick of looking like a scarecrow. And I can't wait to go and see Justin (my beloved stylist) to get my hair done properly.
Being unable to find many clothes and shoes that fit. The fact that I have to buy ugly clothes, simply because they fit me, not because I like them.
People refusing to sit next to me on the train. This could be because they think I smell, but I'm sure it's because I'm a foreigner. Too many other people I know have experienced this. (If it is because I smell, then this may well happen in Australia, but I don't think Aussies are as discerning, so I don't anticipate this will be such a problem.)
Being unable to communicate basic needs/wants. (I know this is completely my responsiblity, but I sure as hell won't miss it.)
Generally living in such a densely populated city. I crave spaa-aace!
The guy who sits behind me. He's actually a really good translator and nice bloke, but the decibels hit the high numbers when he slurps his tea and noodles and it makes my skin crawl.
Japanese food. (I actually quite enjoy it, but am totally over it at the moment. What I wouldn't give for a decent Italian or French meal.)
Not having a proper kitchen with oven and benchspace on which to cook.
Earthquakes.
Japanese television. I really need a good dose of the western variety - probably starting with my Buffy collection. To be quickly followed by the final two seasons of Angel that I've not yet seen. Big yay!
See first three points!

There are a lot more things for this list too, but I'm looking forward to experiencing them in person.

Living in Tokyo

2006-07-12T07:45:00.000+01:00

I'm seriously thinking that I'll be back in Australia within the next few months. I'm weighing up a lot of things to make the decision, but the odds are definitely against staying in Japan. Things are just not working out, and haven't been for some time.
There are, however, a lot of things I will miss about living in Tokyo:

Standing on a railway platform with hundreds of other people and watching a 200 metre long train slowly back up the one metre that the driver overran the marker.
Bowing to motorists when they give way to let me cross the street. And watching them bow back from behind the wheels of their cars.
Noticing a used condom on the ground at a particular corner near work every morning. It's not there in the evening, but is always mysteriously back again the following day. This week's colour theme is purple.
Hearing the Clown shuffle around the office. He often pauses behind my desk and I have to stifle my giggles as he peers over my shoulder at my computer screen. Also sitting in fear that he will pat me on the head or shoulder, as he has taken to doing.
Automatically opening and closing taxi doors. I always faff this up and open and close them myself, to the horror of the driver.
The public transport system running like clockwork.
Convenience stores.
The cleanliness of the city and the fact I feel safer here than anywhere else in the world.
People casually wearing surgical masks in public as though it's the most natural thing in the world.
Men waving their wands at tiny construction sites.
Earthquakes.

I'm sure there are a lot more, but this is a good start.

I Love YouTube!

2006-07-11T09:50:00.000+01:00

I've been sorely missing my Buffy collection, so did a little search today and stumbled upon the unaired Buffy pilot. It's gold! It's also interesting to see how the episode progressed and changed into what eventually went to air.

Man, I so want to be a superhero, although if you'd seen my recent moves in kicking some serious cockroach butt, there would be no doubt in your mind that indeed I am.

Bite me.

Random Moment #3452

2006-07-10T04:44:00.000+01:00

Wandering the streets of Akihabara a few weeks ago, I noticed a large group of people standing around a huge television screen placed outside a store. I meandered over to see what was on and realised it was the live broadcast of the Japan vs. Brazil match from the World Cup. I stood and watched for a few minutes, and then Japan kicked the first goal of the game. Against Brazil.

I waited for cheering, yelling, jumping, euphoria... anything. But all was quiet. No one reacted. I glanced at the faces of those around me and they were completely expressionless. They could just as easily have been watching a Japanese soap opera.

I danced a little jig and went on my merry way.

Away For a Bit

2006-06-18T11:06:00.000+01:00

I'm having an official blogging break for the next couple of weeks (as opposed to just being slack over the last month or so) as I'm off work and am staying at the House of Cards where there is no computer access. Blee, life without the internet will surely blow.

Will hopefully have some adventures when I get back.

See ya then.

View from Mejiro Station

2006-06-15T05:17:00.000+01:00

Sorry about the terrible photo, but snapped this quickly with my phone this morning as the train was arriving.

Being a fair-weather supporter, I am eagerly following Australia's progress in the World Cup - go boys! - but everyone knows that I really root for Beckham.

Slowing Down

2006-06-06T07:45:00.000+01:00

I've been experiencing a bit of a blogging-block over recent weeks. Things are very quiet and rather boring at the moment. I also think that all blogs must have an expiry date and I'm wondering if the end is nigh for this drivel.

Work visa and contract are being renewed so, sometime before the end of next month, I'll be issued either a one or three-year visa. I'm not fussed which one as I am thinking of moving on - perhaps Shanghai or Seoul - by the end of the year. I'll see.

Next week a friend is coming to play in Tokes for a few weeks. I may even see if he wants to write about his gaijin guy impressions of Japan in order to breathe some life into this fast-sinking ship.

Marketing Madness

2006-05-19T09:00:00.000+01:00

I wonder who is responsible for coming up with this little gem? I can just see the creatives sitting around the big table, snorting the white stuff, and playing word association games that eventuate in the link between women and cows - very probably via udders, or negative experiences from the divorced guys on the team. If there was an award for advertising, you know who I'd be giving it to? Not the people who think cows and soap are related in any way. I know, I know, I think I get it... cows, milk, cream, [big leap] to creamy soap, and smooth, silky skin.

I guess their marketing strategy worked, as here I am talking about it, and I bought it because it was so funny (although that may not have been quite the intention behind the concept). However, a product has to hold its own and this one failed. Was it a nice, creamy soap that lathered well? Yes. But it also left me smelling strangely of chlorine.

Fumes and Furnishings

2006-05-18T08:04:00.000+01:00

Most shopping trips in Tokyo culminate in me throwing a tantrum, screaming, and then eventually quietly sobbing, as I rock back and forth in the corner of the store where I once again failed to find clothes to fit me. I don't think 175cm is that tall, but compared to my Japanese sisters, with their slim, prepubescent builds, I am a freak. I've been thinking about moving to the Netherlands to be around my kinsmen, as I am dwarfed when around the gigantic stature of the folk there, to say nothing of the lure of the cafe scene in Amsterdam. I love a good cup of coffee.

So it was with some surprise that a recent shopping expedition resulted in purchases that were somewhat along the lines of what I intended. Unfortunately, I didn't find any clothes, so I'm still dressed like the local beggar, er, but without Linda's amazing bone structure and fine application of makeup. I think I'll have to resort to mail order shopping to buy clothes I've not actually tried on, which will probably not look any better than the rags I am currently wearing.

My mission on that fateful day was to buy curtains for my new apartment. Much as I fancied my Astro Boy blankie hanging over one of the windows, I felt I needed something a little more... sophisticated. I measured the area with precision and ventured confidently into the metropolis to buy my curtains. How hard could it be? I had everything I needed: cash, a desire to succeed, and the measurements scribbled on the palm of my hand. Unfortunately, after a particularly sweaty train ride, these were left behind on the hand strap I was clutching, as the train careened wildly through the suburbs of Tokyo. Still, I retained my sense of purpose, and managed not to lose my wallet, so all was not lost... until the first department store crushed me. As did the second. Without any will remaining in my broken soul, I found myself being carried along with the wave of masses heading into Don Quixote. After browsing the various levels, in insanely high temperatures and with the cacophonous sound from loudspeakers yelling, er, something or other, I managed to leave with curtains and, amongst other things, supplies of my favourite Nag Champa and Precious Chandan incense. I felt rather stunned, not just from the sensory overload from the store, but because it actually worked out.

It was with great excitement that I made my way home, and I could barely contain myself as I ripped open the packaging so I could hang my new, cool black curtains. OK, so I was a tad disappointed when I discovered that the curtains are see-through, and that they hang too long and onto the floor, but I'm proud I managed to get it sorted. The saving grace has been the incense. It smells just gorgeous and manages to mask (just) the noxious fumes permeating from the piles of garbage that have once again accumulated in my apartment. Along with that other strange smell I have noticed recently... stay tuned for a future posting with possible keywords being swamp, and ancient burial ground.

However, I am feeling slightly more positive about the whole garbage crisis as B, one of the funniest chicks I know, and a complete and utter star, is carrying out critical trash disposal research, even as I write. I'm sure her findings shall help me work out what to do with all this...

"I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound - if I can remember any of the damn things."

2006-05-17T07:40:00.000+01:00

So said the wise and venerable Dorothy Parker, who also coined the classic:

”The transatlantic crossing was so rough the only thing that I could keep on my stomach was the first mate.”

Naturally, I can’t remember any of my favourite quotes either, so I started searching. I've mainly picked out those related to travel, as there are way too many to choose from.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." Mark Twain

”When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable.” Clifton Fadiman

”Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.” Miriam Beard

”I think that travel comes from some deep urge to see the world, like the urge that brings up a worm in an Irish bog to see the moon when it is full.” Lord Dunsany

”A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.” George Moore

“Like all great travellers, I have seen more than I remember, and remember more than I have seen.” Benjamin Disraeli

“The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway.” Henry Boye

“The traveller sees what he sees. The tourist sees what he has come to see.” G.K. Chesterton

“Now I know why they tell you to put your head between your knees on crash landings. You think you're going to kiss your ass good-bye.” Terry Hanson

“I soon realized that no journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within.” Lillian Smith

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." Helen Keller

"No matter where you go, there you are." Unknown

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new landscapes, but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust

"Travel is the frivolous part of serious lives, and the serious part of frivolous ones." Anne Sophie Swetchine

“And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.” Dave Barry

I will leave to my all-time hero, Mae West, to sum it up,

”You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

Morning Glory

2006-05-08T03:45:00.000+01:00

When standing on the train this morning, I was very surprised to feel a hand lightly, yet rather enthusiastically, slap my bum about six times. Yay, I thought to myself, I'm finally getting some action from the elusive chikan. I have been feeling paranoid that I'm not worthy of a grope from these stealthy train prowlers, as I have yet to feel their furtive touch.

I turned around to smile and congratulate the man for being my first, and found myself looking down at a tiny woman who was gesticulating frantically for me to turn the volume down on my iPod. Rather confused, I complied and she gave me a thumbs up before disembarking. Why would she wait until she was just about to get off the train to tell me to do this? And where does she get off telling me how loud I can listen to music?

Ah, the paranoia remains, as I'm still waiting...

GG's Wishlist

2006-05-07T07:06:00.000+01:00

This is an essential for any girl, at least until the real thing arrives.

And with the rainy season coming up, who wouldn't benefit from umbrellas on their shoes,

... and the portable cone of silence.

This would prove to be invaluable if adjusted to the right height when sitting at one's desk.

And this? Well, purely for entertainment value. I'm keen to know what the writing on the hat says, if anyone can read it. My guess is that it's along the lines of, 'Slap me if I look stupid.'

GG Handy Hint #306

2006-05-02T04:29:00.000+01:00

When running down the stairs to catch the train that has just pulled into the station, don't leap onboard, then stand in the doorway and peer out to try to read the monitor showing the train's actual destination.

The doors will close on your head.

"On TV. In Japan."

2006-04-29T07:24:00.000+01:00

Big thanks to the Fatman for sending through highly entertaining and amusing emails, which make my time at work a lot less painful. I am in awe of his commitment to find random things on the internet.

This is a recent offering, and if I actually had a television, this is what I'd be laughing at.

[The page loaded really quickly at work, but forever at home, so if it takes a while, persevere - it's worth the wait.]

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